hearing from Sedric. As more time passed the more "whole" I felt. I didn't need Sedric to feel like having a good time nor did I waist endless hours doing nothing but thinking about him. I wasn't perfect, though, I still missed him a lot! But I was becoming more and more willing (and able) to do whatever I felt God calling me to do (or even just hanging around for fun with my friends.)
My rage quickly turned into pity. God was showing me something I needed to see. The answer to my prayers. Sedric was not selfless anymore. He was upset because I decided not to mention his name in a situation. I felt sorry for him because I realized that in the time of my absence he'd changed. I knew I'd changed from the little love-sick maid I used to be. Then it dawned on me. The people that made the promises to each other did not exist anymore. They'd changed. I'd grown into a girl that truly did want God as her all -- not as pretence or requirement. But, in my eyes, Sedric had changed from a strong Godly young man into a selfish, self-righteous person. My promises were now invalid (in my mind at least) and at last I could completely, 100% focus on being open to EVERYONE.
I went back and forth between these two states. One day I'd be chasing the Lord with everything that was in my being; the next I'd be wasting away because I missed Sedric so much. My main problem was that I couldn't let go of the promises I made him. I wanted to be able to consider other guys as possible husbands because I wanted to pick the one GOD had planned for me, not the one I wanted to pick out for myself.
visit me after work. I remember those visits were wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I loved the rare occasions that I'd get to spend time with him (we'd go weeks without seeing each other) but I knew I needed to "fall out of love" with him if I were ever going to truly follow God at this stage of my life. The more I saw Sedric the more in (not out) of love I fell. Sometimes I wanted to go up and kiss him because I'd missed him so much. Other times I just wanted to smack him because he was making things so difficult for me.
were very difficult for me. I would go days with out eating, just so that I could pray longer. I didn't know what else to do, if I was going to chase after God with all that was in my being I couldn't let anything distract me. I stopped reading anything except for the Bible and I would listen to biblical scholars for hours upon hours. I felt so terrible. I had to learn to put God above everything else in my life, and almost everything was distracting me. I shut myself in my room and just prayed. I didn't want to think about the topic of "love, dating, or relationships." It made me sick to my stomach to even think about it because worse -- far worse in my opinion -- not only had I been deterring myself from following God, but... I had also been distracting Sedric. I knew I was distracting Sedric from his relationship with God. Over and over I would cry and morn over my folly. How could I spiritually harm someone I loved so much? How could I be so despicable? I, who had promised to do everything I could to help and aid him cause him one of the greatest tragedies of all? Distancing him from the great God Almighty?
I don't want to sound like I'm prideful or anything, but when it comes to how I treat other people, I want to see that their needs are met above my own. Usually I carry it to the extreme -- one day it will probably be my downfall ;) -- but during the whole time I was praying, I prayed very little for me, "Lord let me concentrate on You," "Let me learn more about You." But, I prayed almost unceasingly for Sedric. Normally I go to bed around 9, but whenever I'd pray for Sedric, it was much closer to 11:30 or midnight. Sometimes I'd even wake up in the middle of the night just to pray for him. I believe all that praying taught me how to talk to God more, and who knows what God used all my prayers for, but when something (even praying or reading your Bible) takes over your life so that you can no longer be the best representative of Christ you can me, it's wrong.
"sanctification" (as I call it) I felt this rush and surge of joy. No, nothing was going the way I wanted it too, but God has everything under control and He was using everything for his greater purpose. Whatever I was going through was going to be used by God to further his kingdom -- who wouldn't want that? I remember I would keep telling myself, "God first, God first," whenever thoughts of Sedric would come blasting through.
I remember my 17th birthday. I had just gotten my first job as a hostess at a restaurant, and I had decided to take two of my friends shopping. My little sister was coming and we decided to take Sedric's little sister as her companion. When we arrived at the house, I went up and rang the doorbell. Sedric answered and in his hand was a tiny white box.
table. I had the necklace safely tucked into the white box he had presented it to me in.
getting too close to a guy, I started liking one at youth-group, Sedric. We started out as friends. We liked all the same things (to an alarming degree! -- Faerie Princess met a Swordsman!) and we both wanted to further our relationship with God. Our families liked each other -- we even both had younger sisters. We met the spring before my 16th birthday, by the following spring I was almost co-dependent on him.
strange it was for me the day I started attending my new youth-group -- the one I still attend now. I'd always been the "prefect girl" nothing had ever been wrong in my family. I'd never had to make any prayer requests because there simply never was anything wrong... This time, my life was in tatters, I couldn't stand being home with my parents, and more than once I'd made plans to leave home.
Well, after that, I started getting more involved in youth group. I went every Wednesday and whenever there were special hang-outs, I'd go. I started getting very into preparing for my future husband also. I practiced sewing, cooking, cleaning (and hundreds of my other dabbling projects). I also read whatever material I could get my hands on on the subject.
share (cookies to be precise ;) ). We would gather in a small room in the church or in the gazebo outside and encourage and pray for each other. After lessons, we'd take our notes and discuss how we could best apply it to our lives.
little crazy. I'm depressed, lonely and worst of all, distant -- very distant -- from God. I had been taking Martial arts for a while when my friend Liz* (also a martial arts student) told me about her youth group. It was small, friendly and she would be more than happy to introduce me to people.
At home we had joined a cell group. Several families would get together, have a lesson, share a meal and fellowship. But, everywhere I went I would almost hungrily look for possible husbands. There was one family that was a part of cell group that had a trio of sons, one of which I took a strong liking too, Ben*. He was just as much of a fantasy freak as I was. He collected books on faeries and was an amazing artist. Sure, he had a plethora of beliefs that I didn't agree with -- not to mention he was a full decade older than me, and I was 15 at the time.
He would confide in me his prayer requests and I started making his e-mails the highlight of my day.
fantasy. I used to say, "Drown your worries and woe in a world that doesn't exist." With such incessant hammering, something had to give. Shortly after my 13th birthday I made a decision -- All the fair maidens, all the great ladies, all the heroins, and every other girl to prance across the pages of a novel had one un-wavering characteristic in common... a guy. Shortly after my 13th birthday I screamed at God that I didn't care what it took, how He did it, or what I had to do, I had to have a prince.
All this time, God was sitting on the back burner. "God? Ptch! I know all the lines, what do I really need Him for?" were my thoughts. I thought that I knew everything from listening to my dad. Everyone I met at all the different youth-groups I tried were fakes and phonies -- nobody that I really wanted anything to do with. My downward spiral into depression was accelerating, and I refused to do anything about it except sit at my bedroom window and stare out, hoping that my prince would come and rescue me from my loneliness.
I've been wanting to write this for a long time now, but it seems I'm just getting around to doing it. I've decided that I want to write out my testimony for everyone to read. In the words of Solomon, "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, That you may be wise the rest of your days." (Proverbs 19:20) I want people to learn from the mistakes I've make, and perhaps... just perhaps they will fair better than I did.
country. I loved it. New sights! New sounds! And my favorite of all, New food! But, as much as I enjoyed it, I never had any close friends. As hard as you try (and as procrastinating I am) I could never stay close to someone after we left.
will books and fantastic worlds.
I decided to start this cool idea... Everyone is wearing promise rings these days and I thought I'd expound on that. Here's why:During the time of the Roman empire, whenever men would go off to war they'd give their wives their wedding rings. In case they died in battle, the soldiers didn't want their rings to become enemy plunder. So, while the men were away fighting, the wives would keep the rings and wear them as thumb-rings.
For the guys out there, perhaps you could consider wearing a special necklace for her. Once again, it doesn't have to be super girly or so fragile you're afraid it will break while you play sports! But it does have to look like something a girl would consider wearing; here are some suggestions...
posted on facebook. I thought it was hysterical -- being a daughter -- but I also thought it brought up some good points (my dad can be quite terrifying at times too).
1. Christian. A saving faith in Jesus Christ will carry a relationship through the challenges of life, both good and bad.
and you're welcome... stuff like that. It shows that he is courteous and respectful. I've heard MANY complaints that guys shouldn't have to do these things because girls will get mad. Let me tell you, the girls that get mad at you for opening doors are not the girls you want to hang out with! Since when does the culture dictate what is considered "right"? According to our standards, simple things like pulling out chairs are considered the height of respect and "polite-ness" (any movie will tell you so!)
Protective. This is really important to girls in general. We know we're smaller and weaker than guys. I don't want to play the damsel in distress, but I do want to know that my husband will protect me.
love a heck of a lot because they have to be willing to DIE -- yep, I said the "d" word -- for their wives. As a someday-wife I need to feel protected with that kind of love. Sounds like a tall order? Apparently not to God because He's the one that said it.
take joy in things with me. I love spending time with people and I want to be a million percent positive that my husband will want to spend lots of time with me just doing... things! Whether it be a walk in the park, cooking a meal, or simply looking at a flower. I DON'T want my husband to be the type of person that gets so wrapped up in work, projects, even "the church" that he forgets to spend time with me and our kids.
Provider! My husband has to be an amazing provider -- not just because he needs to pay the bills, but so that I can stay home and manage the household.
whatever I can to be thrifty and budget conscious! Ladies, I encourage you to the highest degree to learn how to do things "home-style" -- you'd be AMAZED how much money you save! I've learned how to take Goodwill clothes and "re-make" them into cute, tailored outfits. To help my family, I make all the bread we need (at less than 25 cents a loaf!) We grow herbs to flavor our food to help save money there. My mother had learned how to repair a house (from caulking to drywall) by herself. My dad's learned how to dye hair -- bunches of things that add up to massive savings!!!
Hmm, this is getting tougher as everything narrows down. Next, I suppose would be (I'm not sure what word would describe this) He's not afraid to do what God has called him to do, but yet doesn't get pressured into doing things God has NOT called him to do. Allow me to illustrate:
Also I don't want my husband to get caught up in following the "spiritual crowd" when doing things. Just because everyone is raising their hands in worship doesn't mean you HAVE to. At my church group, everyone stands and prays before we have the meal. I can't "bow my head and close my eyes" because I get really dizzy, loose my balance, and fall. Does that mean I'm being any less spiritual than those around me? No! Sometimes the church places standards on people that really aren't standards, but "shows". I don't want my husband to be a "show-er". I want him to be a real-deal, what-you-see-is-what-you-get, say-what-I-mean-and-mean-what-I-say kinda guy.
Another HUGE thing my husband has to do is: Love God more than he loves me.
a fundamental concept -- study God's Word! What novel idea! "Read the Bible every day." You know, the more I read the Bible the more it sticks. I go through the Proverbs every month and I've been doing this for over a year. Do you know how much of it just stays with me?!? I will just be minding my own business and find myself in a situation where like 10 Bible verses involuntarily pop into my brain! Old Testament stories, Psalms, and New Testament teachings do their part in helping me live a Godly life also. Guys, you NEED the Bible to SURVIVE! Let alone live a Godly life. When I do my devotions in the morning, it takes me well over an hour just to get the study in -- never mind the prayer and worship. When seeking God you have to KNOW God, and the only way to know God is to read His Word.
Okay, I decided to capitalize and steal an idea from James Knoop and do my own "7 attributes" I look for in my future husband. :D So let me think...
that! But when it gets right down to it, you've got to make the call; don't let other people do it for you.
