Don't Box Me In

     If there's one thing I love it's personality tests. I absolutely love learning about how I respond to the world and how other people view life. However, there's one thing that my father taught me to remember whenever taking personality tests: The purpose of this test is NOT so that you can go to other people and say, "This is what I am, behave in a way that makes me happy!" but rather to learn what other people are like, so that you can become what they need.

     Please understand this does NOT mean becoming a "people pleaser" (a person who depends on other people's happiness to survive), but it does mean rising above your NATURAL (and possibly SINFUL) behaviors in order to become the best representation of Jesus Christ that you can be. This actually means that -- in many circumstances -- you need to alter your natural behavior into something that is more appropriate.

Example #1

     I am not a "touchy-feely" person. I hate it when people "surprise" me with a hug. I do not like holding hands with my family. I like my space. I feel safe when I have space. If I feel like people are closing in on me or are violating my personal space, I feel like they are a threat and dangerous to my safety. This is my natural tendency.

     However, if I see someone (specifically someone who I know is a "touchy-feely" person) is having a bad day or is going through a hard time, I deliberately move outside my natural tendency and hug them. There are times when I have been counseling girls and I know that the absolute best thing for them would be hugs and gentle pats on the back. I do it. Not because I would want these actions done for me, but I know that I want to be the best example of Jesus Christ I can be. I know it means a lot for the other person, therefore, because I care about the other person, I will deliberately go AGAINST my natural tendency.

     Something that makes me angry is when a person uses their personality as an excuse or as a shield behind which to hide. Few things make me more frustrated when I meet a person like that. In stead of realizing God has given them certain gifts AND the Fall of Man has given us flaws they run around screaming, "don't judge my thoughts or behaviors," "I can't help that I'm like this," "You just have to deal with the way I am." Are these not the most selfish thoughts? How does knowing you are "a certain way" give you an excuse to sin or be discourteous?

Example #2

     I know someone who is an amazing speaker. She is one of those people who can talk to a wall and have a wonderful conversation. She is blessed with always knowing the right thing to say and never having to depend upon others to keep a conversation going. This ability allows her to make newcomers feel welcome. However, if she does not keep her words in check, she becomes a steamroller. She no longer cares about what other people want or need to say because her words are more important. This becomes very damaging to those around her because they feel she does not care about what they have to say. Some refuse to hang around her because she refuses to allow "peace and quiet." Her mouth is in continuous motion.

     What make is sad is that she knows. She is fully aware of her tendencies and her ability to talk everyone else into silence. She also admits that there are instances in which she does not care what anyone else has to say -- her words are of utmost importance. Yet, although she is aware of her flaws, she does nothing to mend them. The flings up her personality type as a shield and refuses to alter her behavior to make others more comfortable.

I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some. (1 Corinthians 9:22)

     Your personality is not an excuse. No matter how well you know yourself, it is our obligation as Christians -- as Followers of Christ! -- to rise above our natural flaws. It is our responsibility to do whatever we can to help our brothers and sisters in Christ and to be examples to the unbeliever.

     Someone once said, "You can be right, or you can be happy. Pick one." In the realm of relationships it is crucial to grow beyond yourself, beyond your "personality type" and natural tendencies. Marriages have failed because of refusal to do do. Others have succeeded to great testament of their families.

     Do not let yourself become boxed-in or limited by your "personality".

For YOU only

I was introduced to these books sometime ago by my Mom while I was doing a study on guys. The writer, Shaunti Feldhahn, goes on a journey to discover what makes men tick. (You men think that we girls are crazy? We think the same about you XD!) The book "For Women Only" goes through hundreds of national scientific surveys and polls and even more interviews from guys themselves about how they think.


In the sequal "For Men Only," Shaunti teams up with her husband Jeff to explain to men how women think. Once again, through national scientific surveys and interviews, this book explains the thought process of girls.

Everyone on the planet should read these books! They will BLOW YOUR MIND!!!

(If you'd like to check out her website visit Shaunti here!)

Guy Talk

I love it when I'm reading a magazine and they have a section usually labeled "Guy Talk" where they have a bunch of guys state their opinion on something. I decided to do my own take and did a poll at my youth group...

The question was "What are 3 physical characteristics you find attractive in a girl and 3 spiritual/personality characteristics you find attractive." The entire experience (having never done a survey) was quite entertaining. I have a feeling I should have asked a slightly different question like "What are attributes you look for in a wife," but too late for that now ;D

I will say to anyone interested in doing a survey, it's not as scary as it probably sounds, and just about everyone is willing to give it a try!

So here's how it'll work: I'll put a "P" in front of the phrase for "physical" and a "C" in front for character. I'll end with the age of the person I interviewed.

P: Nice Smile, Good Hygiene, Pretty Eyes
C: Funny, Kinda Smart, Mature
-three 16-year-olds

P: Takes care of herself, Smells Good, Clean Hair
C: Positive, Faithful, Not-superficial
-18

P: I think Glasses are cute with pretty eyes and a smile
C: Sense of humor, has the gift of service, understanding
-16

P: Soft Skin
C: Cooks
-17

P: Long Hair, Not Taller than me
C: Funny, but can be serious, not demanding
-a 15 and a 14 year-old

P: Short hair, Virgin, knows how to play games
C: Christian, Smart
-a group of 14 and 15-year-olds

P: I like a girl with long arms. I think it's cool when girls wear backpacks too.
C: Loves Jesus, Smart, and likes James Bond
-16

P: Pretty Face and Fit
C: Honest, Out-going, Kind-heart, Christian
-15

I interviewed around 40 guys 14-18 and overwhelmingly the physical characteristics that attracted them the most were, face/eyes/smile (I think guys just say "face" to include everything) and hair. The personality characteristics that about 80-90% of the guys said were funny/good-sense-of-humor and smart.

Now, my intention with this post was NOT to get a bunch of girls to change themselves into something guys might find "more attractive". Notice that none of the terms are defined; what do guys consider "pretty" was not my question. I just wanted to have a little fun and get some variety of opinion.

Sibling Harmony - Step 2: Who Do I Love?

Okay, we went over WHAT love is and HOW we be and show love; now comes the sticky part: who do I love?

According to Jesus, "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." (Matthew 5:44) and, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:31b)

So we are to love both our enemies and our neighbors. That ought to include everyone on the planet. Therefore we are to love everyone. The point I'm trying to push is, "There is no reason to NOT pursue a good relationship with your sibling." I know this is kind of overkill to prove my point, but I can't tell you how many screwy sibling relationships I've come across... Two Biblical examples would be:

1) Cain and Able. Everyone knows the story of how Cain became so jealous of Able that he took his brother's life. If Cain had loved his brother, there would have been no conflict! (See Genesis 4)

2) Jacob and Esau. God works everything to the good, yes, but if these brothers had been looking out for each other in stead of trying to usurp each other there would have been a lot less heartache, trouble, pain, and division.

In our modern-day world, even in our very own Christian circles, I see children and families torn apart by enmity between brothers and sisters. I say (especially to the older siblings) THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT PURSUING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SIBLINGS!!! That means no matter the difference in gender, age, personality, beliefs, or anything else, as siblings, God has put you together under the same house TO HELP AND ENJOY EACH OTHER!

For the young children: God wanted you to have a best friend; so, He gave you a sibling. I'm serious! No matter how different you are from each other, God wants you to -- not just be friends, but be best friends.

For the youth: right now you are preparing to be good husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, you'll get no better practice than maintaining a good relationship with your siblings. You think it's hard to get along with your brothers and sisters? Wait until you get married! If you don't have the resolve to at least attempt (and I mean to continually attempt) to love and be love toward your siblings -- your own flesh and blood! -- what business do you have in trying to love a spouse!

For the adults: at this point there isn't as much opportunity to be love to your siblings, but there is still no excuse for not pursuing a good relationship. If you or your sibling has move far away, you must be open and put in some effort to show the other sibling that you care and want to have a healthy relationship. If the other sibling is not interested in a relationship with you, don't give up on them, but do not hound them either. Be open and make sure that they KNOW that you truly do care.

Love like this applies not only to siblings, but to EVERYONE. I wanted to harp on brothers and sisters, but in all reality, as Christians, we are to pursue a Christ-like love to all the earth: from terrorists, to homeless, from preschoolers to millionaires. Everyone is included in this mix and we are called to love and be love to everyone.

Link to Step 1

Sibling Harmony - Step 1: What is Love?

Since St. Valentine's Day is coming up I thought I'd do a post that will get my throat cut XD. I have to do a lot of building to prove my point, so please bear with me...

I've said many times before that love is a choice. You choose to love someone whether or not they deserve it, whether or not you feel like it. So how do you start?

Everyone knows 1Corinthians 13, but let's look at it as a list, Love is:
Patient
Kind
Not Jealous
Does not Brag
Is not Arrogant
Does not act Unbecomingly
Does not Seek it's Own
Is not Provoked
Does not Keep a Record of Wrongs Suffered
Hates Unrighteousness
Rejoices in Truth
Bears All Things
Believes All Things
Hopes All Things
Endures All Things
Never Fails

Some list, huh? Let's break it down into applicable terms...

Patience means:
to be of a long spirit, not to lose heart
to persevere patiently and bravely in enduring misfortunes and troubles
to be patient in bearing the offenses and injuries of others
to be mild and slow in avenging
to be long suffering, slow to anger, slow to punish

Therefore to love means to be slow to anger, to bravely endure misfortunes, and to be slow in avenging.

Kindness means:
to be friendly, generous, or warm-hearted
to be sympathetic or understanding; charitable
to be humane; considerate
to be forbearing (self-sacrificing); tolerant
to be agreeable; beneficial

Therefore, to love means to be friendly, generous, understanding, and self-sacrificing.

Jealousy is to be heated or to boil with envy, hatred, or anger. The opposite of this would be to be to be glad for others, to be content, and to be (guess what) loving.

Bragging means to boast. Boasting is a prideful, vulgar showcasing of one's own abilities. Need I say that Pride is one of the Seven Deadly Sins? Need I say that since we are petty humans worthy of eternal punishment, what gall must I have to even consider that my abilities are something to be thought of as "WORTHY"? Love is humble and modest.

Arrogance is the unabashed show of pride. It's application is similar to bragging, but more drastic. The opposite of arrogance is humility.

Unbecoming is similar to childish in its meaning. To act unbecomingly is to act childish. Therefore, love does not act childish.

Seeking one's own means a lot more than simply being selfish. When you "seek your own" you are using people and circumstances to your advantage regardless of whom you will be hurting or crushing. Love goes beyond such petty thoughts and seeks to build up others rather than using people.

To provoke is to make someone angry at or scorn something (or someone). When someone is loving, they don't want to look down on people in a scornful way, but instead, they want to view that person as an equal or even give honor.

I hardly think I need to even explain this one: keeps no record of wrongs suffered. You know what I'm talking about; when someone can recall every injustice suffered at the hands of another, that is NOT love. Love forgives and refuses to linger in past faults. That does not mean love is stupid and does not care about character -- far from it -- but love does not view people as less because of their wrongdoings.

Righteousness and Truth. People who are examples of true love do their utmost to be righteous examples of Jesus Christ and refuse to tolerate sin. It is FAR FAR more loving to show someone their sin rather than ignore the problems. A loving person also cares about truth; being plain, straight forward and not devious. If you truly love someone, you would never deceive them.

Bears, Believes, Hopes, Endures. True Love will hold up against any hardships -- unfalteringly. To believe all things does not mean "believes anything" but "believes the best of all things." When you hear a rumor (true or no) do you defend that person? or do you believe the worst? Hope means "trust"; love trusts -- not anyone or anything -- but when you are showing love, you must be willing to place some amount of trust in that person. Also, love will endure through any storm. Meaning that love will have the strength (bear) to continue on (endure) through whatever trials may come and no matter how long.

And lastly: Love Never Fails... I find no need to expound on that. True love, TRUE LOVE will never fail to carry all these things out.

Showing love is no simple task, but it can be done with God. This is all that I will put in this post, but I will build in my next...

Link to Step 2

Anti-Love Language

Are you having trouble figuring out what your love language hierarchy is? I sure did, but then I did what I used to have to do in arithmetic: work backwards. What do I mean? Let me show you...

The five basic love languages are:
Quality Time
Words of Encouragement
Physical Touch and Closeness (this is actually two SEPARATE things, but one language)
Gifts
Acts of Service

(I went through personality/life/behavioral languages in a series of posts called "Am I Loved?")

So how do you know which is most important to least important? Usually it's easy, but sometimes you can't make up your mind between two: "Am I Gifts? or Acts?" I found it easiest to think, not which makes me feel best, but if someone were to deliberately neglect one, which would make me feel worst? Sounds a little crazy, but think about it...

If your #1 love language is Words of Encouragement; then, if someone gave you DIScouraging words, that would hurt more than anything else.

If your #1 love language is Gifts; then, if someone forgot to get you a gift for whatever reason (for a birthday, Christmas or an Anniversary) it would make you feel terrible.

If your #1 love language is Acts of Service; then, if no matter how many times you asked someone to do something and they didn't, you'd feel betrayed.

If your #1 love language is Quality Time; then, if you were completely left out of a conversation, you'd feel worthless.

And lastly, if your #1 love language is Physical Touch and Closeness; then, if no one ever wanted to be around you, or hug you, you'd fell rejected.

See how it works? Now know that it is just as important to INCLUDE someone in their love as well as make sure you don't EXCLUDE them. For example, if someone's love language is acts of service, AS WELL AS doing things for them, accept it when they do things for you. It can be just as damaging to have your love rejected as well as having no one give love.

The Princess Bride

I just watched "The Princess Bride" every girl's favorite movie. Then a question popped into my head, "Why do I like it so much?" I know just about every girl will echo my words when I say, "What is there not to like?" But I also know that most guys have no idea why girls like it so much (I'll give the fellows a hint, it has almost nothing to do with swords.)

I'm a firm believer in that girls speak "girl-ese" and guys speak "guy-ese" and both have trouble speaking the other. Okay, so I'm going to try my best to explain to the guys in my audience as to, "Why girls freak out over 'The Princess Bride' and chick flicks in general."

(Step-1) I love definitions; so, naturally I decided to look up the word "love" on dictionary.com...

"LOVE: –verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: 'All her pupils love her.'
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with."

In girl-ese "love" takes the definition with number 16 and 17. I know this can be hard to believe, but a girl can feel very loved without ever being touched or kissed. In fact (husbands and wives can attest to this) if the husband is not careful in how he approaches his wife, she can often feel used and abused by her husband when he believes he is showing her "love."

(I'm going on a limb here, so I'd appreciate anything the guys have to say on this!) In guy-ese "love" usually takes the definition with number 19 and 20. I know this sounds strange to my female readers, but it's true. It's not wrong! Please understand that. This is how God created our men to think. In as much as it is NOT wrong for girls to think the way we do; neither is it wrong for men to think the way they do. In both cases we have to control what we allow into our minds as thoughts.

So, why do girls love "The Princess Bride"? Because in "The Princess Bride" the characters speak in perfect girl-ese the meaning of "love". Girls place enormity on words, but not just in what you say, but how you say it. If you text "i luv u" it will be sweet, but not really carry any weight. However, if you look us in the eye, demand our full attention, and say, "I love you," it will carry all the weight in the world. This is why, my dear gentlemen, you must guard your tongue so carefully. Something you say jokingly can literally break a girl's heart (I know, having nursed one of my best friends through it).

With that said, I would REALLY appreciate anyone's comments on this topic -- especially my male readers -- because I want to make sure I've explained this as best as I possibly can! :)

Am I loved? pt. 9

*Fanfare!* Finally! The last of the languages!!!!! I am totally doing a random post after this... The last (but certainly not the least) language: Doer!

Positive Characteristics:
Doers love to do hands -on projects.

Doers are reactors; they see hungry children, they feed them. They hear a cry for help, they rush to answer.

Doers are PRACTICAL people.

Doers desire to be useful.

Doers are good at short range goals. They are good at keeping schedules and meeting imidiate needs.

Doers are great at detail-work. But they are "just do it" people, they don't bother to think about why or if it "feels" right.

Doers hate the spotlight.

Doers hate to say, "no." They long to be able to do it all and in trying, often take on far more projects than they can handle.

Doers "have a place for everything and everything in its place." They are meticulous in the way they like their things to be.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Doers have a very low self-esteem.

Doers tend to see others who are not action oriented as being lazy or having something wrong with them. Doers have a low toleration for emotions and/or talk. They can become critical and, if it is not in check, turn into judgment and bitterness towards others who are not like them.

When a Doers actions are not recognized and praised, they feel martyred. They also have a tendency to keep score of hurts or wrongs done to them. Doers can feel like the only person that does anything -- think of Martha who asked Jesus to convince Mary to help her prepare the meals.

Doers are impatient -- they want to get it done and done NOW!

Doers are extremely sensitive to criticism.

In doing for others Doers often forget to take care of their personal needs and the needs of their family.

Doers usually think of emotions as being "in the way." They do not have great compassion for people who are hurting. Their attitude is, "Hurry up and DO something, then you'll feel better." They loose patients with people who do not heal quickly.

Doers blame others when things go wrong.

How to Show Love to a Doer:
Doers need your approval. It's rather simple to show love to a Doer. Just DO things for them or with them. As long as you're actively DOING something a Doer will feel loved. To them if you didn't love them, you wouldn't do.

Doers need words ALL the time. The more you praise them the more love they feel.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 8

Okay, we've done the "Emotional" and "Thinking" languages now we'll start the "Action" languages. First up is the Mover!

Positive Characteristics:
Movers have a strong personality whatever they do they do with gusto and strength!

Movers make things happen. They are in constant motion and don't stop! If they feel something is taking too long they will move on to another project.

Movers have a lot of energy. They need to because they are always doing something.

Movers are honest. They tell it like it is and like others to be upfront with them also.

Movers have the ability to discern right from wrong. They can accurately discern the motives of others.

Movers truly want to live righteously. They constantly examine their motives to be sure they are not just doing what is right, but because they know it is right.

Movers love adventure and are risk takers and usually the first to try something new.

Movers stand up for what they believe; they are more than willing to fight for their convictions.

Movers can be dramatic as in they can do bizarre and even dangerous things to make a point or to get your attention.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Movers have a low self-esteem. They are hardest on themselves because of their high standards.

Movers tend to be harsh and too direct and abrupt. They often think that because their motives are pure their methods are great too. But this is all too often NOT the case.

Movers place high standards on others, causing the Mover to be unforgiving of flaws in family or friends. They do not realize that this way of thinking can be devastating to those around them.

Movers can be judgmental and critical. They can try to force people to change their motives without the help of God.

Movers are always moving on to do something new. This often lead them into having a million things only half done.

Movers can plow through people in an effort to accomplish their goals.

Movers have a tendancy to blame others when things go wrong. In their desire to correct others they often say the message, "You made a mistake," but it is usually recieved, "You are a mistake."

Movers usually jump to conclutions.

Movers are physical, active people. Since they act first, think second, they can be impulsive. On impulse, Movers can be physically abusive.

How to Show Love to a Mover:
Movers feel loved when you do activities with them. In order for them to recieve love, your motives must line up with your actions. Mean what you say and say what you mean and more importantly, follow through in your actions. It is most importan that your true motive is pure. Do things for a Mover soley as an expression of love.

Movers are "to the point" people. They do not like builing tension in a story; Movers want to hurry up and know the answer. When speaking with a Mover, start with the result and then explain why.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 7

Third in the "thinking" languages is Giver.

Positive Characteristics:
Givers truly understand that everything comes from God, be it possessions, talents or wisdom.

Givers are very thoughtful. They find out and remember likes and dislikes and give accordingly.

Givers are generous.

Givers plan for any and every occasion -- expected and unexpected.

Givers are grateful for everything they have and understand that it can be taken away at any given moment.

Givers are very conscious about quality AND price. They want the best for the least.

Givers are excellent at managing money.

Givers love to entertain people and make them feel like royalty when they are at their house. Givers want to make everyone feel at home and comfortable.

Givers do not expect any personal rewards for their giving. They give for the sake of giving.

Givers are well rounded people.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Givers can attach strings to their gifts as a method to control people.

Givers can bribe people.

Givers can be materialistic.

Givers can want to control the use of their gifts.

Givers can have trouble understanding that not everyone is a giver and cannot understand how people can "just buy for themselves."

Givers can give at the wrong time. The Giver might give to someone who really would have been better off if they had not been provided for.

Givers can be spoilers with their gifts.

Givers can be perfectionists when it comes to entertaining.

How to Show Love to a Giver:
Givers want to know that their gifts are apreciated. Givers love to be given to also, but they do not like last-minute-on-the-fly gifts. When giving to a Giver the gifts must be thought through and special. Anything, even if it's something small, when given with this context says, "I was thinking of you and this gift is a way of expressing it to you."

Givers want you to be excited about their gifts. If you are not excited, they feel like a failure.

Givers love to have guests. If you participate in sharing the hospitality, Givers feel like you are sharing in their joy.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 6

Next in the "thinking" languages is the Contemplator.

Positive Characteristics:
Contemplators are one-on-one people. They do not like noise or huge groups of people, they prefer peace and quiet.

Contemplators think before they speak. They are not quick to respond and if they do not feel called to speak they won't.

Contemplators like teaching or presenting information. They like to have the spotlight when they are speaking and to have people really listen.

Contemplators have flexible boundaries, allowing them to absorb the best in a situation while also keeping out the bad.

Contemplators like to have a schedule -- not a rigid, strict rule book, but a regular schedule allows for the peace and quiet that a Contemplator needs. Contemplators can, however, sometimes choose to do something spontaneous.

Contemplators NEED quality time with people. They do not like quick "hello"s or "how do you do"s. They need real time with people without noise or hectic activities.

Contemplators also need time alone. They need to withdraw and be by themselves. Others should not take this need personally.

Contemplators don't like to be involved with multiple projects. They like to finish one before they start another.

Contemplators are deep and logical thinkers. They like to reason things through and know things in depth. They are great validators of facts and truth. Contemplators are rather slow to accept the viewpoints of others until they have thoroughly researched everything out. Contemplators have "the Berean" attitude of Acts 17:11.

Contemplators are good at resiting negative comments or pressure.

Contemplators are loyal. They usually hang on to mementos, and remember old friends. They are not "out with the old on with the new" people.

Contemplators are good listeners. They know that they can learn a lot more by listening rather than talking.

Contemplators have the ability to see through all the events and oddities of life and see things as they really are. They have great spiritual insight for themselves and others.

Contemplaors are want to present people with the truth in a logical, rational way so that anyone can understand it.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Contemplators tend to have too many interests in too many things.

Contemplators do not like to show or share their feelings with others.

Although Contemplators always seem calm, cool and colected they are usually sensitive and experience hurt and rejection easily. They just refuse to show it. Because of this most people don't think that things hurt Contemplators emotionally. They do!

Contemplators tend to think that their interpretation of truth is the only interpretation because they feel the have thoroughly researched everything.

Contemplators can be insecure in relations ships because they: fear rejection or fear being smothered. Although this seems contradictory, they can both be present in the same person.

Contemplators will withdraw into isolation if they feel in danger emotionally or if they are too selfish with their "personal space."

Contemplators can have an... unusual sense of humor.

How to Show Love to a Contemplator:
Spending special, set aside time with a Contemplator, focusing all your attention on them will show them that you love them. Taking long walks, quiet dinners, sharing projects, playing games, and doing activities TOGETHER will communicate love to a Contemplator.

Contemplators feel loved when you allow them time alone.

Contemplators need reassurance that their fears of rejection are unfounded. They also need reassurance that they will not be smothered or absorbed.

Contemplators are sensitive, but do not communicate it well. For them to feel loved this sensitivity must be handled gently.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 5

Now that we have gone through the "Feeling" languages, we'll go through the first "Thinking" language: the Strategist.


Positive Characteristics:
Strategists are very organized and extremely efficient planners.

Strategists can visualize the way to accomplish... well, anything.

Strategists know how to use people to their strengths and can place people where they will do their best.

Strategists are great delegators, they have the patience and wisdom to make sure that the people they "watch over" follow through with their tasks.

Strategists know how to develop people well, and are very articulate verbal communicators.

Although Strategists are "thinkers" they are very action oriented. They think about what to do then DO it!

Strategists are very enthusiastic ONLY on what they are interested in. It is very difficult for them to listen to something they are not interested in.

Strategists don't care who gets the credit as long as whatever needs to get done is accomplished.

Strategists like to look good. Everything from their homes to their children to their physical appearance must look the part.


Possible Negative Characteristics:
Strategists don't like "team leadership," to them this is a slow, frustrating waist of time.

Because leaders are so often criticized, Strategists can become hard and sarcastic to protect themselves. Sometimes the Strategist will "build a fortress of silence" when the atmosphere becomes too hurtful.

Strategists can end up using people inappropriately, using them to accomplish their own means.

Strategists can neglect their families because they are so driven to accomplish their goals.

Strategists are unwilling to admit that they have made a wrong or bad decision. It is hard for them because they are right so often that unless presented with irrefutable facts, they will not believe that they are wrong.

Strategists want things done as quickly as possible. Thus they become impatient if there are complications or if the task is not done "as soon as possible."

Strategists tend to think people who are ruled by their emotions (instead of their logic) are weak.

Strategists get so much criticism that they are not willing to trust people with their true feelings.

Strategists have trouble taking council, especially if it does not line up with what they already know, want or think. They often feel that no one else can understand them because their problems are so different, so big or so complicated.

How to Show Love to a Strategist:
Strategists feel loved when you consciously agree with them. Not a drone-like "yes-face" but an understanding agreement. More than anything else, the Strategist want you to agree with him.

Strategist love it when you allow them to organize their life, your life, the kids, home, work and anything else that could possibly need organizing...

Because the Strategist is a natural leader, they get all the criticism and judgment that a leader is given. Making a Strategist feel secure, accepted, significant, included, worthy and validated will build them up after everyone has tried to pull them down.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 4

The other "Emotional language" is the Influencer.
Influencers are cheerleaders. They are the people that push you to do your best and always encourage you in you endeavors.
Positive Characteristics:
Influencers speak their thoughts through. You can always hear when an Influencer is thinking. They often talk to themselves, but it's just their way of organizing their thoughts and thinking things through.
Influencers are very optimistic, although they do see the bad things in life, they can see past them. They truly believe that "it came to pass."
Influencers are PEOPLE PEOPLE. They love just being with people, spending time with people, and talking with people.
Influencers long to see people get better. They never see anyone as perfect or a failure (especially themselves); Influencers see people as always getting better.
Influencers have a driving need to communicate and be heard. They love to learn new and better ways of expressing their thoughts and feelings. Thus they need confirmation that they are being heard.
Influencers accept people where they are. Not that they approve of sin -- in fact -- Influencers will grow exasperated if someone does not express the same enthusiasm that they do in wanting to change.
Influencers do not like to waist time, thus they are quick decision makers.
Influencers know everybody, they like getting to know people and are people pleasers.
Influencers learn best by doing and experiencing. They often jump head long into a project or task without finding out if they can handle it.
Influencers are meticulous in wanting to look good, both physically and in maintaining a good looking home, and are very creative in doing so.
Desires:
Influencers desire to see everyone happy and healthy emotionally. They want to see people improve and love helping along the way. They love relationships.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Influencers often talk too much. They are uncomfortable with silence and fill the need to fill it -- even when silence is appropriate. Influencers tend to finish people's sentences (sometimes robbing the speaker of the moment) and often interrupt people.
Influencers often seem critical of others because they always see the potential to get better; they usually forget to recognize that what they have may be good enough.
Influencers are impatient with people who do not have a "get up and go" attitude to improve themselves.
Influencers must be careful because they are natural manipulators. They must recognize and control this destructive habit.
Influencers tend to talk about everything, but do nothing.
How to Show Love to an Influencer:
Influencers need verbal approval. Phrases like, "I love you," "Great job," "I'm so thankful for you," "You're so special to me," mean more than all the actions and gifts in the world. Compliments on their appearance and handiwork are greatly appreciated also.
Influencers NEED to express themselves and know they are being hears. Simple things like head nodding and conformational yes's and no's tell the Influencer that they are being heard.
(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 3

There are three catagories of the love languages: Emotional, Thinking, and Action. I'm going to start with the first of the Emotional languages -- Responder.


Positive Characteristics:
Responders are affectionate people. They like to touch, hug, and have great empathy for others. They are deeply loyal friends, allowing the Responder to rejoice or grieve with their friends.

Responders are creative in the arts and always look for the good in situations.

Responders are often the best at showing the same Christ-like love that Jesus was famous for, the unconditional love of God. Responders SHOW their love the most out of all the other languages.

Responders are always surprised when they find negative characteristics about a person because of this, they are easily hurt, taken advantage of, or misunderstood.

Responders are very sensitive and trusting -- no matter how many times they are let down, they always expect the best.

Responders avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs. When things go wrong they often feel it is all their fault.

Desires:
Responders want to comfort and help people. They want with all their heart to ease the pain of others. They go far out of their way in order to do so, with little concern about themselves. They are very emotional people and care about the emotions of others so strongly that they will do almost anything to make someone feel better.

Possible Negative Characteristics:
Responders have the greatest capacity for doing good, but also can have the most destructive affects. Responders can show the most love, but can also end up having eating disorders, using drugs, alcoholism, and suicide.

Responders often deny their emotions. Although the emotions are there Responders do not like to "own up" to them. Instead of dealing with them, Responders will simply hope that they will go away. Stuffed up feelings often lead to to depression and addictions. (Responders often score low or even "0" on the quiz.)

Responders tend to accept sin. They forget to "love the sinner and hate the sin" due to their non-confrontational attitude.

Responders are very "Here and Now" people often forgetting previous commitments for the immediate need. Responders will often stop to rearrange the picture frames on the dresser when they are already late for an important date.
Answer: Responders must learn to look at the big picture, to realize everything in perspective and understand that "Here and Now" can often wait until after the more important.

Responders do not rely on facts. They emphasize their feelings over the information. When the Holy Spirit is not guiding them, Responders can make disastrous decisions. Responders often do it because it "feels" good or right; they will make snap decisions or change plans at the last minute.

Responders are usually indecisive because they do not want to offend anyone at any costs.

How to Show Love to a Responder:
Responders love to be loved. Signs of affection and physical contact, sitting close together, and being listened to. Responders like to be in touch physically and emotionally. They love it when you open up to them and are always willing to open up to you. Male responders often open doors or pull out chairs for ladies and female responders love for them to do it. Responders save notes and letters in order to read them over and over again. Responders only hint at being unhappy about things so you need to be sensitive to their signs. Responders are not "organized" with time so you must learn to work around this.

(This is an abbreviated answer. To Learn more, check out "Speaking of Love" by Fred and Anna Kendall.)

Am I loved? pt. 2

I love personality quizzes. I mean that is one of my favorite things to do online! So you can probably tell I was really excited to get to write this quiz for everyone. So grab a sheet of paper and a pencil and lets get started...

Here is how this quiz is going to work, there are basically 7 main love languages (I bet you thought there were only 5 ;) Each multiple choice question has its answers in letters (e.g. R, M, C etc.) write down your letter of choice and at the end of the quiz find out your top 3 letters. These will be your 3 main languages.

1. Choose three words that describe you the most:

• compassionate..................................R
• efficient..............................................S
• assertive............................................M
• quiet/reflective.................................C
• generous............................................G
• busy....................................................D
• optimistic...........................................I
• none of these......................................X

2. You enjoy doing the following activities (pick your top 3)

• listening to the concerns of others................................................R
• leading and delegating..................................................................S
• initiating change and starting new activities...............................M
• talking with family of friends........................................................I
• reading and studying.....................................................................C
• entertaining frequently..................................................................G
• working on projects and do-it-yourself activities.........................D
• none of these..................................................................................X

3. When talking face to face with someone, you frequently make physical contact beyond just initially shaking hands (hugging, patting on the back, placing a hand on the shoulder, touching the hand or arm several times, holding hands.)

• yes..................R
• no....................X

4. You enjoy talking and long conversations, even when no action is taken or expected from it.

• yes................I
• no..................X

5. Whether watching TV or talking on the telephone, you usually do things with your hands (rearrange things, continue working on a project or task that was started before the conversation began).

• yes...............D
• no.................X

6. You often enjoy taking risks and doing something new or bold.

• yes............M
• no...............X

7. You are prepared for invited and uninvited guests and make sure both feel welcome.

• yes almost always...............G
• no...........................................X

8. You enjoy researching little known facts, details, and information.

• yes......................C
• no........................X

9. You set and define high goals, expectations, professionalism, and accountability for yourself and others.

• yes.................S
• no...................X

10. If you had to choose one word to describe yourself, you would say you're... (choose only one!)

• practical..................................D
• adventuresome......................M
• none of these..........................X

11. You usually... (choose only one!)

• stay on top of details...........................................................................................S
• take action only after much thought and careful consideration....................C
• give much thought to the financial needs of others.........................................G
• none of these.........................................................................................................X

12. Usually you... (choose only one!)

• tend to be emotionally sensitive to others.................................................R
• start and continue conversations with anyone and everyone.................I
• none of these..................................................................................................X

13. At home, work, and socially, you voluntarily do whatever you see that needs to be done.

• yes...............D
• no.................X

14. You are usually surprised when you hear or discover negative things about someone.

• yes.........................R
• no...........................X

15. You may seem rigid and judgmental because you expect high standards and a strict code of conduct of yourself and others.

• yes.............................M
• no...............................X

16. You are usually laid back during problems or arguments.

• yes....................C
• no......................X

17. You tend to make quick decisions.

• yes...........................I
• no.............................X

18. You keep gifts and cards on hand to be prepared for any occasion.

• yes.................G
• no...................X

19. You enjoy planning and organizing both short- and long-term goals for your life and like others to do the same.

• yes.......................S
• no.........................X

20. You are... (choose your top 3)

• warm.................................................R
• focused..............................................S
• responsible........................................G
• conscientious.....................................D
  
• creative..............................................I
• logical..................................................C
• direct...................................................M
• none of these.....................................X

21. You express your ideas and opinions, whether they ask me or not.

• yes......................I
• no........................X

22. You are adventurous and often seek change for the sake of change.

• yes................M
• no..................X

23. It is important and necessary for you to have regular time alone and be apart from others.

• yes...................C
• no.....................X

24. You give gifts and share your hospitality regardless of my means and resources.

• yes................G
• no..................X

25. You often find yourself in key leadership roles and handle responsibility well.

• yes....................S
• no......................X

26. You routinely and regularly complete tasks started by you or asked of you and enjoy it.

• yes............D
• no..............X

27. You are easily moved by the hurts and joys of others.

• yes.................R
• no...................X

Answer Key:

R stands for Responder
I stands for Influencer
S stands for Strategist
C stands for Contemplator
G stands for Giver
D stands for Doer
M stands for Mover

Now count up your letters (e.g. 5 S's, 7 G's) Your top 3 are your main love languages. In my next post I will do into depth on the first couple languages.

I'd really appreciate commenters to say what languages they are so that everyone can see the variety of combinations in the world.

Am I loved? pt. 1

What is love? As humans it is so important to know we are loved. So how does it come about that newly wed couples start out saying and being loved, but later end up getting a divorce because they no longer "feel" loved? How does it come about that children who grow up in a godly home can still walk out feeling "unloved"? The first thing you must remember is that love is a decision. You must decide to love this person whether or not you feel loved or want to love. Love has to be a decision otherwise how can we love our enemies as Jesus Himself commanded? Loving someone and liking someone are two very different aspects. But lets get back to the point...

Say you go to a foreign country and you do not speak the language. No matter how much the people want to help you, you will not be able to receive their aid. It is the same thing with feeling loved. There are many "love languages" that can be spoken and if two people are not speaking the same language, neither is going to feel loved. Knowing your languages and being able to see the languages in other people will make showing and receiving love simple. But you must make the decision to love, even if you don't want to, even if it doesn't make sense, or even if you don't think you have time.


In our families it is our job, as Christians, to be beacons of light, hope and love. Knowing the love languages takes most of the guess work out of giving love -- be it to your parents, siblings, spouse or friends. I am going to do a series of posts so that anyone can come and learn how to really say, "I love you," and have the person receive it.