My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 2

Chapter 2: In which a selfish decision was made...

As I was saying, I steeped myself in fantasy. I used to say, "Drown your worries and woe in a world that doesn't exist." With such incessant hammering, something had to give. Shortly after my 13th birthday I made a decision -- All the fair maidens, all the great ladies, all the heroins, and every other girl to prance across the pages of a novel had one un-wavering characteristic in common... a guy. Shortly after my 13th birthday I screamed at God that I didn't care what it took, how He did it, or what I had to do, I had to have a prince.

Talk about selfish, huh? There I was, not even out of middle school, and I was demanding that God send me a husband, NOW! In the back of my mind I knew that if God complied to my demands there would be the biggest disaster since Archduke Prince Ferdinand was assassinated! -- but what did I care? I knew what I wanted and I wanted it right away.

I prayed that prayer often, "I don't care what you do, God, send him. And send him now!" but I kept all my thoughts to myself. I am firmly "anit-dating." What I mean is, I never want to date. If you date, that's your business, but I don't want to date -- it's that simple. My parents are in full (and encouraging) agreement. (I'll post my reasons in a completely different post.) With that in mind, I was terrified what would happen if my family found out what I was thinking. Married at 13? Sheer balderdash! Regardless, I kindled and re-kindled my selfish hopes and desires to find my "prince charming" and become Mrs. Charming, all before I graduated high-school.

With all of this imagining going on, I had no social life. I didn't have any friends -- except for the ones I had in books -- and it began to wear on me to an immeasurable degree. I had no friends, all I ever did -- or wanted to do -- was read. I slowly withdrew from my family because I felt so lonely. Odd if you think about it, how when you feel lonely, you want to be alone...

All this time, God was sitting on the back burner. "God? Ptch! I know all the lines, what do I really need Him for?" were my thoughts. I thought that I knew everything from listening to my dad. Everyone I met at all the different youth-groups I tried were fakes and phonies -- nobody that I really wanted anything to do with. My downward spiral into depression was accelerating, and I refused to do anything about it except sit at my bedroom window and stare out, hoping that my prince would come and rescue me from my loneliness.

All that time I could have been using for God. I wasted so many hours upon hours that I could have used helping people. All that time I could have been involved in Church or reading my Bible, but my selfishness and pride would have none of it. I isolated myself from the world so that my loneliness was 100% self-inflicted. I could have done so much, but I refused to do anything, and so my life became miserable.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9