My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 8

Chapter 8: In which Promises are Remembered...

I went back and forth between these two states. One day I'd be chasing the Lord with everything that was in my being; the next I'd be wasting away because I missed Sedric so much. My main problem was that I couldn't let go of the promises I made him. I wanted to be able to consider other guys as possible husbands because I wanted to pick the one GOD had planned for me, not the one I wanted to pick out for myself.

I'm a die hard. Once I've declared or promised something I can never go back on it. I just can't make myself break a promise -- I just can't do it! So I needed God to do something to "nullify" my promises. I'd promised Sedric that I'd wait forever for him. But, I had not prayed about it or sought the council of the wise. Now that those promises had been made, I'd trapped myself. To tell the truth, I didn't mind. I still loved Sedric very much, but I wanted to make sure I was allowing God to work to his fullest -- no restraints.

Months went by like this. I wanted to let God do whatever he wanted to do with me, but because of my promises, I'd tied Him down.


Sedric knew I loved him and sometimes he'd visit me after work. I remember those visits were wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I loved the rare occasions that I'd get to spend time with him (we'd go weeks without seeing each other) but I knew I needed to "fall out of love" with him if I were ever going to truly follow God at this stage of my life. The more I saw Sedric the more in (not out) of love I fell. Sometimes I wanted to go up and kiss him because I'd missed him so much. Other times I just wanted to smack him because he was making things so difficult for me.

My Dad was trying to do everything he could to help me. He never let Sedric and I see each other because he knew I was trying to fall out of love. The times I did see Sedric was when he surprised me with a visit.

It took a very long time, but I slowly became more and more willing to do whatever I needed to do in order to become whole in Jesus Christ, and not need the love a guy to make me feel happy. After I left my first job, I knew that there was only one thing still holding me back from God. The promises.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9