My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 5

Chapter 5: In which history repeats itself...

As if I didn't learn from my first experience with getting too close to a guy, I started liking one at youth-group, Sedric. We started out as friends. We liked all the same things (to an alarming degree! -- Faerie Princess met a Swordsman!) and we both wanted to further our relationship with God. Our families liked each other -- we even both had younger sisters. We met the spring before my 16th birthday, by the following spring I was almost co-dependent on him.

Sedric was the perfect gentleman -- everyone wanted him. He'd open doors, dish out compliments like candy. He was smart, handsome, "practically perfect in every way." What's more, he liked me -- loved me, and I loved him back. At least we said we did; I now know from my point, I was just trying to grab hold of a premature dream. My love wasn't really "love" but the selfish desire to have my own personal fairy tail, and he happened to be Prince Charming.

We thought we were going the right thing -- or I should say, "I thought," I will take the bulk of the blame as to what happened. Most people wouldn't understand the position we were in; we never kissed each other -- EVER! -- we didn't even hold hands. But, we needed each other like we needed air. We would e-mail each other at least five-ten times a day (and that's when I didn't have my own computer!) and we started spending our time exclusively with each other. I stopped spending time with my friends, their company seemed to pale in comparison to his, and I just couldn't bare to be away from him.


At home I drifted into a shadow life. I slept for nearly 15 hours a day, and the short time that I was awake I'd listen to listless music or sit under a tree outside. I don't believe I did anything for about six moths except wilt and fade into a wraith of what I had been. I only left my secret places to eat, then I'd quickly retreat to sleep. Up to this point I'd maintained an almost perfect grade point average, now I literally flunked one of my Chemistry tests.

My father was no fool as to what was going on. He saw what I was doing to myself and tried to put a stop to it... he pulled me out of youth-group. I thought I'd die when he did that. How could I live not even seening Sedric one day a week? I hated my dad; now I see how much for my good it was.


I'll never forget how, strange it was for me the day I started attending my new youth-group -- the one I still attend now. I'd always been the "prefect girl" nothing had ever been wrong in my family. I'd never had to make any prayer requests because there simply never was anything wrong... This time, my life was in tatters, I couldn't stand being home with my parents, and more than once I'd made plans to leave home.

The way this church was organized was to take groups of five - ten people (of the same gender) and place them in groups with a mentor. One you got in a group, you'd stay with them until you graduated. I remember when I got in my group as the noobie. I had all the head knowledge, but when she asked us for prayer requests, I had to fight to keep from bursting into tears right there in the church (for those of you who don't know, I do NOT cry... like ever!)

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 4

Chapter 4: In which some growth is shown...

Well, after that, I started getting more involved in youth group. I went every Wednesday and whenever there were special hang-outs, I'd go. I started getting very into preparing for my future husband also. I practiced sewing, cooking, cleaning (and hundreds of my other dabbling projects). I also read whatever material I could get my hands on on the subject.

God also started stirring in my heart. I slowly got more apt at reading my Bible, steadily reading a chapter a day and journaling about it later. I started listening to my dad's library of theologians, and I started praying more. At youth-group, about five of us started meeting before and after the lesson for fellowship and discussion. That was one of the best times of my life.

Coming from a Mediterranean family, our lives revolve around friends, family and food! I made it a point that whenever I'd go to youth, I'd bring something for us to share (cookies to be precise ;) ). We would gather in a small room in the church or in the gazebo outside and encourage and pray for each other. After lessons, we'd take our notes and discuss how we could best apply it to our lives.

During this time I got to watch people grow. My family had at last bought a house and solemnly promised to not move anymore; thus, I had been stationary for about 4 years. I watched the children I baby-sat grow up, and I saw the people at youth discern their paths.

School (home-school to be exact) was still a very large part of my life, not only that, but I was also teaching my younger sister. Everything stayed pretty steady, but still, I was not chasing after God with all of my heart. I was testing Him out, and seeking Him more, but I still had something a head and shoulders above God... Mr. Right.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 3

Chapter 3: In which God shows His divine protection...

So, everything is starting to go a little crazy. I'm depressed, lonely and worst of all, distant -- very distant -- from God. I had been taking Martial arts for a while when my friend Liz* (also a martial arts student) told me about her youth group. It was small, friendly and she would be more than happy to introduce me to people.

I've always gone to mega churches. The kind of churches that have a minimum of 5,000 members, so going to a little church of 150 people was a novelty. Out of desperation and the slim hope that I'd be welcome, I went. It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. Don't get me wrong, I love my Sunday-Super-Church, but the intimate fellowship with only 20 other youth was amazing.

Slowly I started coming out of my shell. The youth pastor strongly encouraged pursuing God on your own and after several months of Wednesday-night attendance, I decided to attempt reading the Bible each morning. My self-resolve, however was weak, and I'd drop in and out of reading.

At home we had joined a cell group. Several families would get together, have a lesson, share a meal and fellowship. But, everywhere I went I would almost hungrily look for possible husbands. There was one family that was a part of cell group that had a trio of sons, one of which I took a strong liking too, Ben*. He was just as much of a fantasy freak as I was. He collected books on faeries and was an amazing artist. Sure, he had a plethora of beliefs that I didn't agree with -- not to mention he was a full decade older than me, and I was 15 at the time.

We started hanging out together in cell group, discussing and debating out different ideas about faeries. Later we started e-mailing each other (Note to the reader, this is always a VERY dangerous habit to pick up with someone of the opposite gender!) He would confide in me his prayer requests and I started making his e-mails the highlight of my day.

Little did I notice what was starting to happen. All I thought about was him. His e-mails became precious to me, and the more I talked to him, the more I excused and over-looked the problems I had with his beliefs. Ben was super sweet, and one of the few people that I met that loved fantasy as much as I did.

I thoroughly believe that what God did next was for my protection. There was a large disagreement between our families; shortly after, he left cell group. Even though I was turning a blind side to God, He was still protecting me. If that wasn't enough, God quickly healed my heart and any attachments that I had toward Ben* so that I didn't miss him and was able to refocus my life.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 2

Chapter 2: In which a selfish decision was made...

As I was saying, I steeped myself in fantasy. I used to say, "Drown your worries and woe in a world that doesn't exist." With such incessant hammering, something had to give. Shortly after my 13th birthday I made a decision -- All the fair maidens, all the great ladies, all the heroins, and every other girl to prance across the pages of a novel had one un-wavering characteristic in common... a guy. Shortly after my 13th birthday I screamed at God that I didn't care what it took, how He did it, or what I had to do, I had to have a prince.

Talk about selfish, huh? There I was, not even out of middle school, and I was demanding that God send me a husband, NOW! In the back of my mind I knew that if God complied to my demands there would be the biggest disaster since Archduke Prince Ferdinand was assassinated! -- but what did I care? I knew what I wanted and I wanted it right away.

I prayed that prayer often, "I don't care what you do, God, send him. And send him now!" but I kept all my thoughts to myself. I am firmly "anit-dating." What I mean is, I never want to date. If you date, that's your business, but I don't want to date -- it's that simple. My parents are in full (and encouraging) agreement. (I'll post my reasons in a completely different post.) With that in mind, I was terrified what would happen if my family found out what I was thinking. Married at 13? Sheer balderdash! Regardless, I kindled and re-kindled my selfish hopes and desires to find my "prince charming" and become Mrs. Charming, all before I graduated high-school.

With all of this imagining going on, I had no social life. I didn't have any friends -- except for the ones I had in books -- and it began to wear on me to an immeasurable degree. I had no friends, all I ever did -- or wanted to do -- was read. I slowly withdrew from my family because I felt so lonely. Odd if you think about it, how when you feel lonely, you want to be alone...

All this time, God was sitting on the back burner. "God? Ptch! I know all the lines, what do I really need Him for?" were my thoughts. I thought that I knew everything from listening to my dad. Everyone I met at all the different youth-groups I tried were fakes and phonies -- nobody that I really wanted anything to do with. My downward spiral into depression was accelerating, and I refused to do anything about it except sit at my bedroom window and stare out, hoping that my prince would come and rescue me from my loneliness.

All that time I could have been using for God. I wasted so many hours upon hours that I could have used helping people. All that time I could have been involved in Church or reading my Bible, but my selfishness and pride would have none of it. I isolated myself from the world so that my loneliness was 100% self-inflicted. I could have done so much, but I refused to do anything, and so my life became miserable.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

My Testimony, My Saga, My Legacy... Pt. 1

I've been wanting to write this for a long time now, but it seems I'm just getting around to doing it. I've decided that I want to write out my testimony for everyone to read. In the words of Solomon, "Listen to counsel and accept discipline, That you may be wise the rest of your days." (Proverbs 19:20) I want people to learn from the mistakes I've make, and perhaps... just perhaps they will fair better than I did.

Before I even start the tail, I want everyone to know, "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) I know a lot of very godly people will disagree with the decisions that I've made. I will be the first to tell you that I've made some pretty big whoppers! But in the end, I've gained such a close and intimate relationship with the God that I love that I don't regret anything that has happened to me, nor do I disdain the destination I have arrived at. I have done my best to portray the events accurately from both sides and chronologically.

(For anonymity, all names and places have been changed ;) )

Chapter 1: In which a course is laid...

I suppose if you're to understand me, I have to give you a bit of background on exactly where I came from. After all, everyone had a beginning and I'm no exception.

My family has the wonderful habit of moving every two years. Like clockwork almost, we pack up all our belongings and leave to what seems to be another country. I loved it. New sights! New sounds! And my favorite of all, New food! But, as much as I enjoyed it, I never had any close friends. As hard as you try (and as procrastinating I am) I could never stay close to someone after we left.

I come from a very large extended family, but a very small immediate family. As much as I love my HUGE family, I'm just not very close to anyone. With that said, my Mother, Father, Sister and I are nigh on inseparable. We've been through just about everything together. As the military says, "No man left behind." No matter what any of us went through, we would stick it out together, and especially since I never had any close friends, we were closer still.

As wonderful, and great all this was (and still is) there was one great big missing piece that demanded to be filled... Jesus Christ was not number one in my life. I love my family so much, but no one -- no thing! -- should ever be put in the place that Jesus Christ Himself must stand.

I became a Christian when I was seven years old. No testimony there. My dad is a theologian and led me to Christ in the simple sinner's prayer. Although I had Christ living inside of me, I didn't have a live and active faith of my own. I knew all of the facts, Bible stories, and jargon that my dad told me, but I still wasn't "on fire" for Jesus. For years, I leaned on my dad's faith pretending it was my own. Still, Jesus was not number one in my life; instead, I decided to fill my life will books and fantastic worlds.

I love fantasy. I majorly, MAJORLY LOVE FANTASY!!! And, as long as it is not taking Jesus' place I will read and read and draw and dream. But, life cannot solely revolve around the imaginative characters in a world that doesn't exist and still be on path to Jesus. With that knowledge, you can see, my life did not revolve around Jesus.

To Be Continued...
Parts: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9