The Free

     I just got back from spending a week in the great outdoors. I was a camp councilor at my church's summer camp. I've been doing this for the past three years and this summer was BY FAR the best I've ever had. Not that the other summers were bad, mind you, but this summer I felt as though the messages were ministering to me specifically. The group I was leading was amazing also! I had seven beautiful girls who were about to enter their senior year of high school -- I've never seen girls so on fire for Jesus Christ and seeking His will above their own!


     The theme this year was: THE FREE. The pastors were specifically referring to freedom from sin -- the freedom one receives from Jesus Christ when one becomes saved. Since I and my girls were already saved, THE FREE took on a different meaning for us...

     For me, it was freedom from fear. I have spent my life in fear; not a whimpering, trembling fear that refuses to go outdoors or to experience the new, but a fear of failure and a fear of rejection. This fear manifests as a refusal to do something that I feel will make people laugh at my inabilities or criticize my attempts. This fear also makes meeting new people difficult and talking about serious issues with old friends impossible -- the fear of being abandoned or rejected for something I might say was too strong.

     These fears can be overwhelming at times and although a healthy amount of daring and sensitivity towards others is VERY good, these were to an extreme. I was scared and miserable because I felt weak, helpless and alone.

     But Christ showed me otherwise.

     I always knew:

"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me" (Matthew 5:10-11, NASB).

and

"If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you" (John 15:18-19, NASB).

     Yet, I never really lived it. Now, I have learned...
 
     I learned that Christ is where all my approval must lie. He is in charge of my destiny. He has given me gifts to use for His glory. He has designed me with a plan and a purpose -- to usher in brothers and sisters to the Faith through my words and actions, even if I have no idea I'm doing it. If I feel God calling me to do something, I can stand in confidence that He will provide the strength and ability to do it with excellence when I know of myself it is impossible.

     God was big enough and smart enough to create the universe from nothing. He was powerful enough to divide the sea, to make the sun stand still, to make hearts strong enough to move blood through our veins. He was loving enough to die for the sins of the universe. There is no problem -- no mistake -- so large that we cannot overcome it with His help.

     I can stand strong. I can laugh in the face of the world when it tries to pull me down! I can do that which seems impossible because it is not me but Christ in me. He is my strength! He is my power because, of myself, I am nothing, but with Him I am everything.

Fireflies

My English Professor asked me to write a story embodying something I learned over the past year. This story represents the lesson I learned -- much to my personal discomfort and frustration ;) But God has a funny way of making hard things into good things and ugly things into beautiful things. This is my story; I hope it encourages you...

  
     There was always peace in the silence. But it was a dark peace – a piece of solitude. They always told me, “It is better to be feared than loved, but if you can be loved – do.” It made sense… in my mind, but my heart was always frustrated – never satisfied. When everything came down, I did not want to be feared at the cost of being loved.
     It was actually because I loved that I wanted to be feared. It was that fierce, oceanic love that the elder have for the protection of the younger. But I am small; I am quiet, but I also am afraid. I can sense things before they happen; I can look into a person’s eyes and know if they are telling the truth… I know the consequences of their actions… and they pain me. Sometimes they pain me because I can feel their hurt – as though it were my own – but this is a small pain. The great pain comes from the horrible, irreversible, irrevocable fact: I can not force anyone to do anything.
     My ferocious love quails at this unstoppable fact. I cannot make the ones I love most DO anything. If they choose to fall, I must allow them to fall. Sometimes this is the best place for them – if an unhappy place. They are in the hands of God – who cares infinitely more and provides infinitely better than anything I could ever hope or dream...
     This is why I sought fear. Perhaps if they “fear” me, they would listen to wisdom, crying in the streets. But I could never bring myself to the hard-nosed, arrogant acts to induce fear – I saw to what this led: a refusal to listen instead of a refusal to act.
     But the pain was too great. This is why I sought solitude; if I could not be feared – if I could not be strong – at least I would never be viewed as weak.
     So into the darkness I walked. Much of the time I enjoyed it. The cool air, the peace, the quiet – no noise, no pain… no people. One can be alone in a crowd. Just never let them in – do not let that ferocious love grow, keep it hidden – protected – safe.
     One day I took a walk in the dark. It was different this time. The emptiness was not my friend. It taunted me and then I realized it was not empty at all – it was filled with every manner of evil: a hoard of snarls and claws seeking to devour my soul.
     Where could I run? The solitude had become my enemy and I had nowhere to go. Like the child I thought I had grown out of returned – I became a little girl, wandering about in the darkness – crying out for help… but no one came and no voice answered. I was rapidly sinking into the inky, stifling blanket – all manner of tortures flashing before my eyes.

Oh God, I know You’re there.

I know You see. I know You promised to never forsake Your daughter. 

But where is the light? Why can I not see? And everything around me is darkness? 

Help me now! Get me out of this wretched horrible place.

     I opened my eyes to see one firefly, blinking alone in the darkness. I swatted it away, “No! I do not want YOUR help.” Yet it returned. I rose and fled from its presence, “No! I cannot accept help – not from ANYONE.” Yet it followed me – no matter how deep into the darkness I fled.
     Soon there were more. The one brought a swarm until there was not more room for darkness. They kept me safe. They made me protected, and they whispered, “All light is God’s light.” No matter how often I tried, they wouldn’t leave me. No matter how weak or strong I was, they comforted me.

Mother told me to allow the Holy Spirit to work THROUGH the hands of men.
I guess Elijah was never alone,
For we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.
I guess I didn’t need to be strong… or afraid,
Since God's strength is in me, and His protection surrounds me.