There was always peace in the silence. But it was a dark peace – a piece of solitude. They always told me, “It is better to be feared than loved, but if you can be loved – do.” It made sense… in my mind, but my heart was always frustrated – never satisfied. When everything came down, I did not want to be feared at the cost of being loved.
It was actually because I loved that I wanted to be feared. It was that fierce, oceanic love that the elder have for the protection of the younger. But I am small; I am quiet, but I also am afraid. I can sense things before they happen; I can look into a person’s eyes and know if they are telling the truth… I know the consequences of their actions… and they pain me. Sometimes they pain me because I can feel their hurt – as though it were my own – but this is a small pain. The great pain comes from the horrible, irreversible, irrevocable fact: I can not force anyone to do anything.
My ferocious love quails at this unstoppable fact. I cannot make the ones I love most DO anything. If they choose to fall, I must allow them to fall. Sometimes this is the best place for them – if an unhappy place. They are in the hands of God – who cares infinitely more and provides infinitely better than anything I could ever hope or dream...
This is why I sought fear. Perhaps if they “fear” me, they would listen to wisdom, crying in the streets. But I could never bring myself to the hard-nosed, arrogant acts to induce fear – I saw to what this led: a refusal to listen instead of a refusal to act.
But the pain was too great. This is why I sought solitude; if I could not be feared – if I could not be strong – at least I would never be viewed as weak.
So into the darkness I walked. Much of the time I enjoyed it. The cool air, the peace, the quiet – no noise, no pain… no people. One can be alone in a crowd. Just never let them in – do not let that ferocious love grow, keep it hidden – protected – safe.
One day I took a walk in the dark. It was different this time. The emptiness was not my friend. It taunted me and then I realized it was not empty at all – it was filled with every manner of evil: a hoard of snarls and claws seeking to devour my soul.
Where could I run? The solitude had become my enemy and I had nowhere to go. Like the child I thought I had grown out of returned – I became a little girl, wandering about in the darkness – crying out for help… but no one came and no voice answered. I was rapidly sinking into the inky, stifling blanket – all manner of tortures flashing before my eyes.
Oh God, I know You’re there.
I know You see. I know You promised to never forsake Your daughter.
But where is the light? Why can I not see? And everything around me is darkness?
Help me now! Get me out of this wretched horrible place.
I opened my eyes to see one firefly, blinking alone in the darkness. I swatted it away, “No! I do not want YOUR help.” Yet it returned. I rose and fled from its presence, “No! I cannot accept help – not from ANYONE.” Yet it followed me – no matter how deep into the darkness I fled.
Soon there were more. The one brought a swarm until there was not more room for darkness. They kept me safe. They made me protected, and they whispered, “All light is God’s light.” No matter how often I tried, they wouldn’t leave me. No matter how weak or strong I was, they comforted me.
Mother told me to allow the Holy Spirit to work THROUGH the hands of men.
I guess Elijah was never alone,
For we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.
I guess I didn’t need to be strong… or afraid,
Since God's strength is in me, and His protection surrounds me.
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