Fight Until You Die

     This was a manifesto/admonition that a very dear friend of mine wrote. He wrote this when God gave him the call to abandon life in the United States and become a missionary to Bangkok for at least three years... His wife had recently born a son and this was the legacy that he wanted to begin for the sake of his family.

Fight Until You Die.

I will fight to die to myself everyday. I will lay myself on the alter of God so that Galatians 2:20 can take root in me. "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." I will die to self and surrender my life to be lived out by Christ. In so doing, I shall be given the ability, grace and courage to finish the race and to fight the good fight. Through Christ, I will fight until I die.

What will I fight for? I will fight for the glory of God among all the nations. I will fight to honor the gospel and the Word of God. I will fight for the bride of Christ to be prepared for her coming groom. I will fight for personal death for the purpose of sanctification. I will fight to be Christ to my wife and to my children. I will fight for those who have no voice. I will fight for those who are unaware that a war is raging and who are dead in their sins. I will fight to the death so that my death will be the sweetest moment of my life. I will fight, and I will fight until I die. 

I am not a missionary to Bangkok. I am not strong or great or mighty.

I am a woman. I am young. I am single.

     Yet, I will fight, for it is not I who fight, but Christ in me. I am a witness to the glory of God every moment I wake up and step out of bed. My smallness offers testimony to the greatness of God because it is obvious that I do not have the strength to do that which I am called to do. I am a woman and must offer encouragement and guidance to the women and men whom I encounter. I am young and must be an example of the righteousness and selflessness of Christ to those both younger and older than I. I am single, but I will fight for my future husband and unborn children -- for their honor, for their future, for their hope in Christ.

And I will fight until I die.

The Free

     I just got back from spending a week in the great outdoors. I was a camp councilor at my church's summer camp. I've been doing this for the past three years and this summer was BY FAR the best I've ever had. Not that the other summers were bad, mind you, but this summer I felt as though the messages were ministering to me specifically. The group I was leading was amazing also! I had seven beautiful girls who were about to enter their senior year of high school -- I've never seen girls so on fire for Jesus Christ and seeking His will above their own!


     The theme this year was: THE FREE. The pastors were specifically referring to freedom from sin -- the freedom one receives from Jesus Christ when one becomes saved. Since I and my girls were already saved, THE FREE took on a different meaning for us...

     For me, it was freedom from fear. I have spent my life in fear; not a whimpering, trembling fear that refuses to go outdoors or to experience the new, but a fear of failure and a fear of rejection. This fear manifests as a refusal to do something that I feel will make people laugh at my inabilities or criticize my attempts. This fear also makes meeting new people difficult and talking about serious issues with old friends impossible -- the fear of being abandoned or rejected for something I might say was too strong.

     These fears can be overwhelming at times and although a healthy amount of daring and sensitivity towards others is VERY good, these were to an extreme. I was scared and miserable because I felt weak, helpless and alone.

     But Christ showed me otherwise.

     I always knew:

"Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me" (Matthew 5:10-11, NASB).

and

"If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, because of this the world hates you" (John 15:18-19, NASB).

     Yet, I never really lived it. Now, I have learned...
 
     I learned that Christ is where all my approval must lie. He is in charge of my destiny. He has given me gifts to use for His glory. He has designed me with a plan and a purpose -- to usher in brothers and sisters to the Faith through my words and actions, even if I have no idea I'm doing it. If I feel God calling me to do something, I can stand in confidence that He will provide the strength and ability to do it with excellence when I know of myself it is impossible.

     God was big enough and smart enough to create the universe from nothing. He was powerful enough to divide the sea, to make the sun stand still, to make hearts strong enough to move blood through our veins. He was loving enough to die for the sins of the universe. There is no problem -- no mistake -- so large that we cannot overcome it with His help.

     I can stand strong. I can laugh in the face of the world when it tries to pull me down! I can do that which seems impossible because it is not me but Christ in me. He is my strength! He is my power because, of myself, I am nothing, but with Him I am everything.

Thinking in Poetry

I dug up this old poem from one of my journals. This came from an entry in 2010 -- a time when I had just emerged from my first great trial. This trial taught me the first step in listening to God: read His Word and obey.

Greatest Lord, who loves me so --
You love me more than hearts doth know.
You care for me and love me and show me the way to go.
Your care is gentle and steady -- as the wind's constant blow.

Everything I could need is at Your command:
Wants, hopes, dreams, and the bravery to stand.
You will never run out; You will never run dry, and
I know everything goes exactly the way You planned.

Your name is great and mighty, Lord.
None can stand againast You, not the mightiest hord!
Your justice and mercy sweep across the board --
For every knee must bow and tongue confess, You are Lord.

Let hearts not deny -- let Your glory dome down!
Let me be captive in Yours ways -- in Your grace let me drown.
Live in me, O Lord, see how I have grown.
May You be seen in me -- not an unscrupulous clown.

All nature is poised to do as You say,
And my only heart's desire is to show You that I obey.
May those who seek You from day-to-day
Find Your grace and know, "Jesus is the Way."

You provide for me, Lord, all that I need.
All in Your portion, be it bread, water or seed.
Those who ask You, surely You shall feed
So that I and my family may go and do Your deed.

All Things Work Together

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, 

for those who are called according to his purpose. -- Romans 8:28, ESV

     I've been reflecting on the events that have happened in my life... most of them were good (if we are speaking in terms of quantity) but many of them were bad also (speaking in terms of quality). The good things were frequent, but often short. The bad things were rare, but very, very potent. But both of these types of events God has used to equip me for life.

     Before I go further, I would like to clarify somethings:

First: Just because God works all things together for the good does NOT give us the right to become complacent or apathetic to His will. We must actively pursue righteousness and God's specific will for our lives. Also, it does not give us the right to give God "our worst." By that I mean, not doing our best for the Lord; instead, we give Him the ugliest sins we can muster simply because we didn't try or care to give God something better to work with. Paul vehemently opposes this mentality when he says:

What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it? -- Romans 6:1-2, NASB

Second: Many times, we call our difficulties trials. This can be true, but there are many different kinds of trials -- somethings God allows because they make us stronger, somethings are direct attacks from the enemy -- yet another opportunity to grow -- but all to often, the things we call trials are nothing more than consequences. I DO NOT mean that every bad thing that happens in our lives is a consequence of our actions; allow me to illustrate.
     A teenage girl decides to rebel against her parents and has sex outside of marriage. She becomes pregnant. Is her pregnancy a trial? Answer: No. She is suffering the consequences of her actions. Can God forgive her? YES! Can God use this event for good? Yes, but only if she repents and seeks the will of the Lord in her life.
     A man with a wife and four children loses his home in a foreclosure. He and his wife are positive that God called them to live in that home. They were also wise stewards of their money -- not spending it foolishly or frivolously. Is the foreclosure a trial? Answer: Yes. Since the family and, hopefully, a godly council of elders, were working together, praying and seeking the will of the Lord, the loss of the home is a trial meant to strengthen the family. Does this make it easy? NO! Does this make it feel better? Probably not. But God wants us to grow closer to Him, few things do this better than times of difficulty.

     With this framework in place, I am going to share with you something that God has shown me in how He has worked the negative things in my life together for the good.

     Most of my hardships were self-inflicted. I chose not to obey or seek a closer relationship with God; this resulted in long periods of grief and pain. But, God did not forget His daughter. He has shown me how He chose to use those periods of rebellion as times of growth.

     I was sixteen years old when I became engaged. It wasn't a formal engagement, but it was no less real. I truly thought that this was my purpose. I HAD to get married. I HAD to become a wife. I HAD to become a mother, and I had to do it as soon as possible because I thought I had no purpose in life other than marriage. God through His grace and mercy rescued me from this dilution, but He did  more than that: through that time I learned how to read my Bible. I knew, in the midst of everything, I wanted to do what God wanted me to do. I learned how to seek God through His Word daily. It was through this daily devotion that I eventually broke off the engagement -- knowing that it wasn't right for me.

     I was nineteen years old when I got engaged a second time. I remember watching him get down on one knee and propose with the ring I had picked out. I knew that I was rushing everything. I knew God did not want me to get married yet, but I wanted to know when -- and I wanted "when" to be "now." Although I was not obeying or listening to the voice of the Lord, God still did not forget His daughter. In spite of everything I was doing, God worked it for the good: I learned how to pray. I knew I needed to know what God wanted me to do when or if I was going to get married. It was through this passionate pursuit of prayer that eventually brought me to break off the engagement.

     These are just two of the many events in my life that have equipped me to become a stronger Christian, but I would argue that these are the two most important and beautiful. God took two heartbreaking, rebellious, self-inflicted consequences and used them to be periods of spiritual growth. I learned how to read my Bible and how to pray -- the two most important aspects of the Christian's walk with Christ!

     Today, I look back and see how these two learned traits have helped me. I have been able to speak into people's lives and pray in a clear, real way. I know that God hears me, and I know that God speaks to me through His Word. I am so blessed because God works all things together for the good, but He has equipped me to be able to do more and better than I ever thought possible. I know God has so many grand and beautiful things in my future as long as I continually surrender my will for His and seek His face.

Memory Lane: Moon Garden

      Sitting outside. The Moon is full -- it even hurts my eyes looking at its brightness. The air is still cool, not yet filled with the thickness of summer's humidity. I'm on the square slab of cement we call a back porch. Mom has been working hard on our boarder garden (all around the porch are culinary herbs of every kind.) The lavender and sage turn a lighting-white silver in the moonlight. Lemon balm offers a sticky-sweat lemony candy aroma. Corsican mint brings a lush, thick ground cover.

     Everything is so alive. Spring still has its fingers wrapped around the garden. The less established plants are dwarfed by the bush-like largeness of the older plants, but the bright green of new growth cannot be hidden by the darkness. I look over the yard. There are two trees on the boarder of our property... I remember when the branches of one touched my head when I sat under it. It is much larger now; I'd have to reach up on my tiptoes to reach the lowest branches now... in fact, I might have to jump.

     Mom and Dad are with me. Mom wanted to enjoy the cool air after working hard in the sun all afternoon. It's 10pm now, and a little bit of what will become the morning's dew can be smelled in the air. Dad brought his acoustic bass outside; its brushed, black top turns white in the full moon's light. He's playing with a few different techniques and grumbling about the "invisible" fret markers. The little dots, marking the neck of the guitar, were painted nearly black on a black guitar... he was justified in his moaning, but it still made us laugh. Brilliant music, when he could find the right notes.

     I had my little acoustic guitar. I was working in an alternate tuning (double drop D) and finger picking some classic rock favorites of mine. Sometimes my fingers would stumble or get themselves tangled up -- much to my audio dismay. Dad would pause each time and allow my to regain my dexterity before resuming our music.

     Mom would sing when she knew the words or snap her fingers when she didn't.

     And all of us were happy.

     There are those few moments when we get to spend time in a moment and really live in that moment. These are the times when our soul soaks-in everything about that moment: smells, sounds, feelings, colors... Those points freeze into our minds and stay with us. These beautiful times are gifts from God -- gifts to be remembered during the hard times.

     My friend gave me wonderful advise to remember during those moments of pain and hurt. "Think of one thing that brought you happiness. It doesn't have to be big -- it can be small. Like the color of a flower or the smell of your favorite food."

     I'm a person that notices details -- at least I try to. Simple things like the type of font in a particular book, the number of points on a leaf, bubbles in boiling water, drawing faces in a foggy mirror after a shower, mugs of tea... each of these are precious gifts from God. These bring us little glimmers of hope when the world seems to be nothing but darkness.

     But God brings us hope through our memories.

Fireflies

My English Professor asked me to write a story embodying something I learned over the past year. This story represents the lesson I learned -- much to my personal discomfort and frustration ;) But God has a funny way of making hard things into good things and ugly things into beautiful things. This is my story; I hope it encourages you...

  
     There was always peace in the silence. But it was a dark peace – a piece of solitude. They always told me, “It is better to be feared than loved, but if you can be loved – do.” It made sense… in my mind, but my heart was always frustrated – never satisfied. When everything came down, I did not want to be feared at the cost of being loved.
     It was actually because I loved that I wanted to be feared. It was that fierce, oceanic love that the elder have for the protection of the younger. But I am small; I am quiet, but I also am afraid. I can sense things before they happen; I can look into a person’s eyes and know if they are telling the truth… I know the consequences of their actions… and they pain me. Sometimes they pain me because I can feel their hurt – as though it were my own – but this is a small pain. The great pain comes from the horrible, irreversible, irrevocable fact: I can not force anyone to do anything.
     My ferocious love quails at this unstoppable fact. I cannot make the ones I love most DO anything. If they choose to fall, I must allow them to fall. Sometimes this is the best place for them – if an unhappy place. They are in the hands of God – who cares infinitely more and provides infinitely better than anything I could ever hope or dream...
     This is why I sought fear. Perhaps if they “fear” me, they would listen to wisdom, crying in the streets. But I could never bring myself to the hard-nosed, arrogant acts to induce fear – I saw to what this led: a refusal to listen instead of a refusal to act.
     But the pain was too great. This is why I sought solitude; if I could not be feared – if I could not be strong – at least I would never be viewed as weak.
     So into the darkness I walked. Much of the time I enjoyed it. The cool air, the peace, the quiet – no noise, no pain… no people. One can be alone in a crowd. Just never let them in – do not let that ferocious love grow, keep it hidden – protected – safe.
     One day I took a walk in the dark. It was different this time. The emptiness was not my friend. It taunted me and then I realized it was not empty at all – it was filled with every manner of evil: a hoard of snarls and claws seeking to devour my soul.
     Where could I run? The solitude had become my enemy and I had nowhere to go. Like the child I thought I had grown out of returned – I became a little girl, wandering about in the darkness – crying out for help… but no one came and no voice answered. I was rapidly sinking into the inky, stifling blanket – all manner of tortures flashing before my eyes.

Oh God, I know You’re there.

I know You see. I know You promised to never forsake Your daughter. 

But where is the light? Why can I not see? And everything around me is darkness? 

Help me now! Get me out of this wretched horrible place.

     I opened my eyes to see one firefly, blinking alone in the darkness. I swatted it away, “No! I do not want YOUR help.” Yet it returned. I rose and fled from its presence, “No! I cannot accept help – not from ANYONE.” Yet it followed me – no matter how deep into the darkness I fled.
     Soon there were more. The one brought a swarm until there was not more room for darkness. They kept me safe. They made me protected, and they whispered, “All light is God’s light.” No matter how often I tried, they wouldn’t leave me. No matter how weak or strong I was, they comforted me.

Mother told me to allow the Holy Spirit to work THROUGH the hands of men.
I guess Elijah was never alone,
For we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.
I guess I didn’t need to be strong… or afraid,
Since God's strength is in me, and His protection surrounds me.

Wings of the Dawn

     This is a very special Psalm to me. I remember being five years old and my father singing it to me -- guitar in hand -- and I singing along. Would it not be wonderful to bring back singing -- what I call "real singing" -- with real phrases and words to express our beliefs and devotion to God?

Psalm 139 (NIV)

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Replace LIES with TRUTH

     My mother once told me stories of a spiritual battle she waged over twenty years ago. This battle paralyzed her with fear, dread and hopelessness. This was a battle of the mind -- a battle of the soul. This battle could not be won by natural means: medication, counseling, or personal willpower. When in the midst of a personal struggle, how do we fight? What can we do to drag ourselves out of the "Slough of Despond" or the "Depths of Despair"?

      In a word NOTHING.

     There is nothing that we a humans can do to pull ourselves out of the spiritual quagmire. When fear and lies are flying around our hearts and minds, there is nothing that we can do of our own volition to return to "happy times and joyful thoughts." BUT we are not without hope. The only way to win this battle is to replace lies with truth. Fill your mind so full of the wonderful promises of God that there is no room for sadness and doubt.

     The way my mother fought was to wright a scripture verse on a piece of paper or a notecard. Whenever she felt the surge of defeat and gloom, she would pull out the card and read it over and over -- filling her mind with the promises of God. She would do this constantly, changing out the verses as necessary, until her spirit grew strong. Eventually, her mind was so full of the wondrousness of God that she no longer needed the notecards -- her mind was one giant notecard, filled with the character of God!

     I have been waging an internal battle of my own. Having learned from my mother's experience, I have taken to carrying a little pocket-sized notebook. During my devotions, I will write down the Bible verses that I find particularly helpful -- or hopeful. When the fear and depression begins to weigh on me, I read what I wrote -- I fill my mind with the Truth of God.

     This is the way battles are fought; this is the way they are won! Is it easy? No. Is it fast? Sometimes not. But, these are the tools that Christians have. We have the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside our hearts -- this is a hope no unsaved person can experience. Jesus Christ has already won the war; our job is to pursue God in our battles, day by day. Christ is faithful, and He will never abandon us to despair.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. --Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

Break, Break, Break

Here is one of my favorite poets, Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Sometimes it's nice to take a break from the humdrum of everything and enjoy reading something... just because you can!

"Break, break, break
On thy cold grey stones, O Sea!
And I would that my tongue could utter
The thoughts that arise in me.

O well for the fisherman's boy,
That he shouts with his sister at play!
O well for the sailor lad,
That he sings in his boat on the bay!

And the stately ships go on
To their haven under the hill;
But O for the touch of a vanished hand,
And the sound of a voice that is still!

Break, break, break
At the foot of thy crags, O Sea!
But the tender grace of a day that is dead
Will never come back to me."

A Time of Rest

     Spring Break has been in full swing for about a week now at my school. It's been so strange to go from having class every day and full homework loads in between classes to having nothing -- literally nothing! -- imminently due. Am I still stressed about my upcoming term papers? Yes. But, for the past few days I have had nothing that's "do or die" due.

     Part of my feels like, "YES! Lazy time! I want to sleep in, play games, catch up with friends... in short: have fun because I can." Another part feels like, "What are you doing?!? You should be working, making money, getting ahead on all the school assignments that are still looming over your head." After deliberating for a little while, I figured out that both of these positions are wrong -- Yes, I said both!

     Spring break -- or any free time, for that matter -- must be used wisely. For this time to be used wisely, many things must be taken into account; the results will change each time. For instance, if one has been working extremely long shifts or doing massive amounts of research, a few days of "brain-dead" fun would be a great way to recharge one's batteries. On the other hand, if one has spent the past several weeks up to his eyeballs in social events, a few days of peace and quiet to get some work done would be better. HOWEVER, these aspects are secondary to what the primary focus during any break should be.

     With all of this free time, one must make EXTRA time to spend with God in prayer and devotion. I have actually found it is more difficult to make time for God during break than during the school year. It is almost as though something inside wants to say, "You're taking a break from everything, including God." This is a big fat LIE! Since we have the extra time, we need to use the extra time wisely -- time is a resource just like money, spend it carefully. Take some of this extra time to really dig into God's word and to pray.

     I personally don't care about the "length of time" one spends in devotion, but as a suggestion, however long one normally spends in devotion, double it during break. 10 minutes becomes 20. 30 minutes becomes an hour. Devotional time also doesn't have to be spent in monk-like solitude -- although alone time with God is VERY important too. Some of the best devotional time I've ever had was reading a passage of scripture with my family or friends and discussing it together.

     Since God is to be the most important aspect of our lives, it only makes sense that during time off we spend extra time with Him. I heard someone once describe how we should spend time with God is like how we spend time with a boyfriend/girlfriend.

"Everything calls to mind that special person. We want to share everything with them and the beauty of everything with them. We long to be in their presence just to enjoy being together. All other relationships seem to pale in the light of each other's company. This is what it should be like in our relationship with God. We sacrifice spending time with others or at other events just so we can have a few more minutes with God. We should talk to God about everything and how it makes us think or feel. He is to be our companion through everything."

     May this spring break be a time of spiritual growth and maturation in your faith in Jesus Christ. By spending time to draw close to God, He will draw close to you. He is faithful and will fulfill His promises: those who seek wisdom will find it. Those who desire a stronger relationship with God will find that as well.

Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. -- Revelation 3:19-22 NIV

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

     "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

     These are some of the most famous words in literature geek-dom. The opening lines to The Hobbit are well-loved and well-remembered. However, does anyone know how this phrase came into existence? I was talking with my English Professor and he gave me the story:

     Tolkien was a professor at Pembroke College. One afternoon, while he was grading papers, a random line popped into his head, and he scribbled it at the top of one of the papers he was grading: "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit." Tolkien did not know what a hobbit was. He did not know why the hobbit was living in the ground. He simply thought the line sounded interesting and wrote it down. It was sometime later that Tolkien sat down to create a story around this mysterious creature living in the ground.

     What does this mean? I remember my professor telling me this story, and, as he spoke, I began wondering if I could apply this to my life. Sometimes random stuff floats around and somehow bumps into us. Other times, we find ourselves doing things, and we don't quite know why. Some people have a particular inclination or desire that has been verily born into them, but they don't know for what reason or for what purpose. Once in a while a sudden urge or idea will come upon us, and we will have no idea from whence it came or how we're supposed to react. It can often feel as though life is just a bunch of strange incidents, feelings and oddities -- none of which make sense. Sometimes we feel lost in a great big world of storms and raging winds; not knowing if we are to remain grounded during the storm or if we are to allow ourselves to be taken by the currents. Sometimes we feel like failures doing nothing original, having no ideas of our own, seeming to have no talents or skills to offer the world.

    BUT... the world is much bigger than it at first may seem. This is not something that should strike fear into the heart of any Christian, for, if the world is so large is not our GOD larger still? God is the one who created us. He is the one who knew before the foundations of the earth were laid what your name was going to be. What your favorite color was going to be. What you'd enjoy, hate, love, loathe. He designed you with an intricate purpose. AND since He knew everything you would think and do before you were born, He has decided to use everything you have gone through and everything you think you're unworthy of accomplishing to enhance His glory and His kingdom AND to draw you into a closer relationship with Him.

    That's a pretty big God.

     What makes life difficult is understanding conceptually how big and powerful God is but not TRULY living this belief through every fiber of our being. This was a huge struggle that I had battled for years. What made it impossible for me to truly understand was my belief that I had gone through so much and done so many things that if I couldn't conceive of an alternative, an alternative couldn't exist. This is a plague for many who are intellectually or experiencially gifted. I can look back now and see how silly this belief was: me, a tiny human being, who though that I could understand the depths of God and complain that His actions were either unfair or unreasonable. I fell for the deception: "it cannot get any better than this" -- especially concerning my relationships. Since I could not conceive of any man being as good or better than the guy I was looking at, a better guy could not exist. I had been so many places and seen so many people, I thought I knew best.

     I was wrong.

     But God in His mercy uses everything for His glory if we are willing to obey Him. Some things don't make any sense. Sometimes we feel like shaking our fists at God, wondering why He has decided to put us in these circumstances. BUT God is so much bigger than anything we can imagine! And just because we may not receive full understanding in this life does not mean we will not receive full understanding in the presence of God in heaven.

     I am aware that this doesn't always make us "feel" better in the midst of our hardships and shortcomings. But day by day, minute by minute, moment by moment, this is something we can take comfort in: God is bigger and smarter than us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -- Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

     If this is a struggle for you, the best advice I can give is that this is a moment by moment battle. Any time you feel the weight of hopelessness or uselessness crushing upon you, pray. Carry a pocket Bible with you and read it whenever the wave hits you. Again, this is a moment by moment struggle. At 7:39AM you can be sitting on top of the world, but at 7:41AM you can be so deep in the depths of despair there seems to be no light at all. TAKE COURAGE! No matter what your feelings are, God remains true. Prayers and Scripture readings will help you align yourself with Him, and in the end, isn't that the whole goal?

The Victory of Defeat

     Sounds like a contradiction in terms, yes? No. Let me explain...

     I've bee taking chess lessons from some of my schoolmates. For some inexplicable reason, I've felt the push to learn some new things, and strategy has been at the top of my list for quite some time. One of my friends gave me a bit of advice to help take the sting out of (what felt like) and endless cycle of agonizing losses. He said, "Just accept the fact that you are going to lose for a while. The goal right now is to learn, not to win -- that will come later. Just focus on lasting for as long as you can."

     That may sound fine and dandy, but when you're in the thralls of a game -- bear in mind that I'm extremely high strung during games. I stutter and sweat; my heart races, and my hands shake even long after the game is over -- it is hard to remember that the goal is NOT to win. I can't win a game of chess -- not against the people who are teaching me. Yet, even with that advice it can be very demoralizing to suffer loss after loss with little to no improvement.

     The question that follows would be, "Why continue playing? If it gives you that much stress, why continue putting yourself in that position?" The answer is that if I don't, I KNOW I will never improve -- emotionally or

tactically. By exercising my mind and emotions, I have the hope of growth.

     Don't think that I'm looking at the situation with rose-colored glasses. It sucks -- royally sucks -- to have your tail repeatedly handed to you after a six minute round of chess. But through the effort I put forth and with much help from my patient teachers I will get better. I have yet to win a chess mach, but my first game lasted 6 minutes and 14 seconds; my latest game lasted 15 minutes 57 seconds.

     Our walk in Christianity is just like this. We humans are battling our sin nature with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, but sometimes it feels as though no matter how many times we fight, sin right-hooks us in the jaw. There are times we want to scream, "I give up!" and cave into temptation. But, God is faithful to His children. He provides teachers to help us grow stronger, friends to help us carry the burdens that are too big to be handled alone, and the Holy Spirit to supernaturally help us when there seems to hope at all.

     If ever you're feeling like a spiritual failure, it may be helpful to have a friend point out the ways you have grown over the years. Have you become more patient? More caring of others? Have you learned to lie less -- or better yet, to not lie at all? Have you grown wiser in how you spend your time or money? Each improvement is a victory! The point is not to be perfect, but to always be better. We are no longer doomed to be defeated by sin, but with Jesus Christ we are promised victory!

Me Time: Final Registration

(This was a post I did forever ago, but never got around to publishing.)

So school has just barely started for me and I'm already filling out scholarship applications for the spring semester. I've got a stack of books at my elbow and a camera (instead of a photocopy machine). I started thinking about how much God has blessed me personally.

It was final registration today (which is what got me to start looking at scholarships) and I had a blast just spending the day with my buddies from last semester. This reminded me of how Jesus Christ has given me more than I could ever ask for through my family and friends.

I've mentioned before how my family used to moved -- no less than -- every two years. Building strong friendships was hard when we knew we were just going to leave again. Sometimes we didn't want to make friends because the people around us were, shall we say, less than Godly. Don't get me wrong, I loved all the traveling. New places! New faces! God allowed me to see more of our country than most people in a life-time. However, the familiarity of old friends and "going to see grandma" was something I'd never experienced.

Another aspect of my family was that a lot of my extended family doesn't like my immediate family (specifically my Mom and Dad.) They believe that their traditions overrule both the Bible and God's personal direction. So, when it came to interacting with family, everything was muddled and awkward.

Yet, God was faithful.

Wherever we went, God provided peace for us, whether in the solace of our four-person family or in encouragement from the Body of Christ. God always provided for us when we needed him most.

Now, after the new stage of actually living in one place for almost seven years, God is showing me what it's like to be surrounded by friends. People whom you've gotten to know over time and care about. My best friend just left for school. I know I won't be able to see her for a long time, but I know that our bond is so strong, that if I need to call her at 2 o'clock in the morning to cry, she will answer and cry with me.

I had one of the greatest days of my life today, getting to see my friends from last semester. Catching up on our activities, family news and over all well-being... It amazed me how many people I knew and enjoyed.

God abandons no one. We abandon ourselves. God will provide for us, all we need to do is use what He gives -- physically and emotionally.

The End

Oh, let's see... where to start. There has been so very much that it becomes difficult to think one can simply pick up where one has left off. Yet it seems less so an impossible task than at first. Everything begins, but I believe that not everything must end.

The adage "all good things must come to an end" does not make sense to my mind. Why must all good things come to an end. There is no such phrase which states that "all bad things must come to an end." Why is this so? These ideas that good must end, yet evil is permitted to continue leave a great void in the hearts of those who know this cannot be true.

Let us look. We know that there are several good things that will never come to an end... Jesus the Christ, God's love for humanity, the certainty we as Christians have that there will be a place for us in Heaven -- a place which also will have no end. As for evil, Satan's dominion over the earth will end, the misery on earth will end, and sin will be taken away from us who love the LORD.

This leads me to believe that the phrase, "all god things must come to an end," must have come from a very sad, lost soul. One who looked at the magnificence of the world -- the sky above and the heart within -- and saw nothing. They felt the hopeless emptiness gnawing away at their soul begging for redemption, but refusing to accept the provision that Christ offered. The fleetingness of everything in the world was seen and felt and the lamentation of, "all good things must come to and end," was the only explanation that could be mustered.

Therefore, through the empty eyes of one lost in the darkness, yes, it seems that anything good upon this earth must indeed come to an end. But, for the kindled heart that has been lit by that everlasting fire that is the Holy Spirit -- take joy! For there are things more marvelous that can ever be imagined that will never... NEVER come to an end.

Poem in Your Pocket Day

April 14th is "Poem in Your Pocket Day". I naturally I had a blast. I had a hard time picking out a short poem to share – most of the poems I like are SUPER long! But at last I settled on a poem by my favorite poet, Alfred Lord Tennyson!


"The Oak":

Live thy Life
     Young and old,
Like yon oak,
Bright in spring,
     Living gold;


Summer-rich
     Then; and then
Autumn-changed,
Sober-hued
     Gold again.


All his leaves
     Fallin at length
Look he stands,
Trunk and bough,
     Naked strength.


I love poems. I think most people underestimate writing! Everything is done through texting – e-mail seems to have gone out of style now too! I have a difficult time finding out about events because I don't have a Facebook, and people get really mad when I "don't text back". Gimme a good ol' pencil and I'll be happy!

I've lately take up writing to my... let's say, distant family. I never hear from them, but I still take the time two send an Aunt or two a card, telling them what I'm up to. Sometimes I wonder if it's any use – not that I really mind that they never write back – but deep in the back of my mind I wonder if the letter arrived. But, that's just my paranoia creeping in. Perhaps my persistence is changing the course of history! Or maybe I'm just keeping a lonely person from having to spend another night just gazing at the ceiling. Whatever the case, I know God is using my talents to do his will.

So, what's your favorite poem? Post it (or a link to it) in the comments below, so I can enjoy it too!

Post Script:
Psalms totally count as poems!

Crunch Time

Just a random thought today... School is about to start. Work is going (crazy) ;) The times I teach are going well. I have little time -- almost none. But the things I love... I mean really love to do always seem to make it into the schedule. Drawing. Reading. I really should do more of writing for my faithful readers. But I just thought
how interesting it was that the things that I really love make it in -- no matter how BUSY I am. Sometimes I skip a meal. Others, I loose a couple hours of sleep. Once in a while I'll even skip a shower (something I do not recommended!) But I always make time to do what I love.

What if we treated God that way? What would our lives look like then? How concerned would we be about the world, the lost, and God's will for us? What would we give up just to make a little more time for Him?

Thoughts are nothing without deeds. What should we do? Make Jesus Christ someone you LOVE. Not just in word, but in deed. Make Jesus Christ your pastime, your hobby, your joy! Make Jesus Christ something you love.

This is My Plea

Wake up my Love, this is my plea-
That you'd arise -- Make demons flee!
Evil trembles at your step
When you stand up, show no regret.
Hard yourselves against the World
Being lights seen, felt, and heard.

Stand up my Love, this is my plea-
That you'd arise -- Make demons flee!
Show yourselves approved by God,
Bringing clarity through the fog.
Shining armor, sword of steel,
Sound of thunder, lightning peel.

Rise up my Love, this is my plea-
Forever now, you see, We're free!
Fly away, forevermore!
Take joy in this love galore!
No more fear, and no more hate
Look now, see, tis heaven's gate!

Amos Comes To My Church

I had a professor assign me the project of writing what Amos might say if he came to my church. After writing everything out, I thought that it was a message well needed to be heard, even now, 2500 years later.


I was sitting in one of the many chairs at my church’s auditorium getting ready to listen to the Sunday sermon. I could see a small group of elderly ladies and their husbands sitting in the front rows, followed by mothers attempting to control their unruly children. At the very back of the room I could see that the last rows were filled with teenagers ready to bolt out the door just as soon as they called for the dismissal of the youth.

While the band was tuning up before worship, a man climbed on stage. He was dressed very simply, a red t-shirt and thick blue denim jeans. He faced the congregation and began to speak.

“This is what the LORD has told me,” he said. There was a stir in the vast room as he continued, “‘I hate your hypocrisy! You come in your name-brand designer clothes to my house, not to honor me, but to declare your wealth. You hand out money to the beggars on the street corner, and yet do not lift a finger to evangelize them! You preach about purity and chastity, but allow your daughters to be promiscuous -- becoming pregnant before even reaching the age of sixteen. You support orphans, and yet encourage your daughters to get abortions. You say you love Me and my Word, yet you accept the very acts I despise most!’”

The pastor stood up and yelled, “Who are you to say this? Get off the stage!”

The man replied, “I am not a prophet, nor the son of a prophet! I herd sheep and tend my orchards, but God took me and said to prophesy against you!” the man stared at the pastor with a look of distaste and continued.

“‘Your homes are in shambles! You divorce as much as the pagans outside the church. Your children rebel and hate my laws because you have not set an example -- no! -- you are too busy reading the latest magazines or coveting the latest cars. I have given you a home and a life, all of which you have allowed to rot!

“‘I despise your tithes and offerings and your missionary trips! You give for show, and let the widow with three children next door desperately struggle to survive. You travel to make yourselves feel good -- not to share My love. You spit in my face, then act as though I should bless your efforts, you cows!

“‘You can name every sporting team on television, and yet you cannot share the gospel. You watch every movie, and hear every band, yet you cannot find time to reach the lost. Take away the sound of your drums and keyboard! Your choirs and guitars! I will not listen to that noise!

“‘My wrath will come swiftly if you do not change your hearts. You say that calamity will not overtake you, but lo! Everything you love will be laid to waste because of your disobedience. You will have famine and drought without relief, but I am the God of Love and Forgiveness. Change your ways, turn to Me, and follow My commandments. Be bold and true in your love to Me, for I AM the LORD your God.’”

The room had become deathly silent. When the man finished, he jumped off the stage and walked to the back of the room. I grabbed his sleeve right before he left and asked him his name.

“Amos,” was his reply, and I never saw him again.

Survey!

1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
Morning or early evening. These are my magic moments when the world seems to come alive with thoughts and sights that seem to melt away in the bright sunlight. These are the times when dreams are made, and do I love to dream!

2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
My mom's greek salad! It is the best food IN THE WORLD!!! It's got all my favorite foods: olives, feta cheese, tomatoes, artichokes... YUM!

3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
To buy Barns and Noble AND Border's bookstores.

4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
I don't like to be touched. It makes be feel threatened and uncomfortable. People, for some reason, take joy in tormenting me with ceaseless poking and petting!

5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
Either Stardust or the Princess Bride (I can't decide between the two) I would be the damsel who is usually in distress, but I can turn around and help the hero with my secret abilities.

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
To be able to learn any language quickly and easily OR to be able to read any book at lightning speed!

7.If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
I've always wanted to go on a 1-2 year world tour. I want to visit all the major sights in Europe, see Turkey, India, Japan etc. I want to see the WORLD!

8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
Rock. Like Chris Daughtry, but the girl version.

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
Jo-Ann fabrics or Hobby Lobby, I could make all the costumes I dream of...

10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
I like it right now (with all of our tchnology and modern convineces) but I think it would be really cool to live back when ladies and gentleman held balls and huge dance parties.

11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
AH! One color? I love blue. But I love red too... I guess all different shades of blue.

12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Somewhere between Doc and Happy ;)

13. What's the last album you listened to?
Seth Lakeman's Poor Man's Heaven.

14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
I put yogurt on my cereal -- not milk.


Now it's your turn! Have fun with it, and post a link in the comments below, I'd love to read your answers!

Think on These Things

I originally wrote this article for my beloved Passion Magazine. If you'd like to read the original click HERE.

So often we do things and don’t even consider the ramifications. We watch movies, read books and we don’t even take a second thought as to what we are doing to ourselves. I wanted to address some very serious side affects that most people don’t know about. Let me start with an excerpt from Leslie Ludy’s book Set-Apart Femininity.

“A close friend of mine was really struggling with spiritual attacks upon her life, waking up with horrible nightmares and battling fearful irrational thoughts on a nearly-constant basis. One afternoon as we met together for prayer, she casually mentioned that she’d just come from a movie. When she told me which one she’d seen, I was taken aback. It was a horror/suspense film and though it was one of the milder ones it still was leaving a gaping breach in her life though which the enemy could gain access. Paul said, ‘Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy – meditate on these things.’ (Philippians 4:8)”

What we put into our minds either makes us spiritually stronger or spiritually weaker. I’m sure most of you never thought that you could be demonically attacked because of what you watched or read – I sure didn’t!

Please understand that I’m not trying to insight fear or paranoia about what we watch in movies or read in books or listen to in music, but you must know that these things DO affect you.

Not too long ago, whenever I felt lonely or depressed I would listen to music. That music, however, tended to be either very dark or very provocative in it’s lyrics. As time would pass and I continued to fill my head with the sound of this music, I found myself spiraling down into sorrow and (even though I never did it) self-harm. I was poisoning myself with the music I was listening to.


Another example would be of my wonderful mother. When she first got married, she had to move away from her very large family. She was depressed and lonely, and in her efforts to relieve the sadness she would watch afternoon soap operas and reality TV. In a few short weeks, my mother was plagued with nightmares, severe anxiety, paranoia (all of which were demonic attacks). As soon as my father found out, he posed the question to her, “Could it be what you are watching?” That was when it dawned on my mother. All of the un-godly, pagan television she was watching was poisoning her mind and soul – leaving her open to attacks from Satan. As soon as she stopped watching all of her regular programs, the nightmares and stress melted away.

Another thing that can be very damaging is books. The first thing that usually pops into our minds when we think of “books that we probably shouldn’t read” are romance novels, but I want to delve into something much more popular...manga.

Manga and anime are some of the most popular reading materials out there. Both girls and guys go crazy over the latest issue of their favorite comic – never mind that over 90% of them are filled cover to cover with extremely satanic and sexual messages. I don’t mean this to be a rail against manga, there are some very good ones out there, but the majority of the comics are anything but “holy”. Is this really something we should be filling our heads with? Leaving, as Leslie Ludy put it, “a gaping breach” in our lives? Everything affects us. It is, however, up to us what we allow into our lives – be it the Internet, movies or novels.

Our thoughts stir up our emotions. Our emotions stir up our desires. Our desires trigger our actions. The most important battles we fight are those of the mind. That is why Paul is so insistent on “Whatever things are true… meditate on these things.” Whatever time we spend cultivating in our minds will effect our actions. Constant baragement from evil things will cause us to be more and more prey to our sinful actions. But, daily devotion and prayer will strengthen us and draw us closer to the Lord for He has given us the power to, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7b)