The Dying Christian to His Soul

 

      I've been working on a research paper about the death and resurrection of Lazarus. After praying and meditating on that passage (John 11),

I began to think about how Christ has provided victory over death. Setting aside His great resurrection from the death; Jesus took the time to raise to life the beloved brother of Martha and Mary.

     What's more, Jesus tells Martha, "I am the resurrection and the life." Not only does Jesus provide eternal life through His resurrection, but He IS life. Christians have a hope and joy that no other people can understand. We have the hope of life after death -- eternal life with the God we worship -- where there will be no more pain or suffering.

     This is a poem by Alexander Pope that I felt described this feeling well...

The Dying Christian to His Soul

Vital spark of heav’nly flame!
Quit, O quit this mortal frame:
Trembling, hoping, ling’ring, flying,
O the pain, the bliss of dying!
Cease, fond Nature, cease thy strife,
And let me languish into life.

Hark! they whisper; angels say,
Sister Spirit, come away!
What is this absorbs me quite?
Steals my senses, shuts my sight,
Drowns my spirits, draws my breath?
Tell me, my soul, can this be death?

The world recedes; it disappears!
Heav’n opens on my eyes! my ears
With sounds seraphic ring!
Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!
O Grave! where is thy victory?
O Death! where is thy sting?

Memory Lane: Moon Garden

      Sitting outside. The Moon is full -- it even hurts my eyes looking at its brightness. The air is still cool, not yet filled with the thickness of summer's humidity. I'm on the square slab of cement we call a back porch. Mom has been working hard on our boarder garden (all around the porch are culinary herbs of every kind.) The lavender and sage turn a lighting-white silver in the moonlight. Lemon balm offers a sticky-sweat lemony candy aroma. Corsican mint brings a lush, thick ground cover.

     Everything is so alive. Spring still has its fingers wrapped around the garden. The less established plants are dwarfed by the bush-like largeness of the older plants, but the bright green of new growth cannot be hidden by the darkness. I look over the yard. There are two trees on the boarder of our property... I remember when the branches of one touched my head when I sat under it. It is much larger now; I'd have to reach up on my tiptoes to reach the lowest branches now... in fact, I might have to jump.

     Mom and Dad are with me. Mom wanted to enjoy the cool air after working hard in the sun all afternoon. It's 10pm now, and a little bit of what will become the morning's dew can be smelled in the air. Dad brought his acoustic bass outside; its brushed, black top turns white in the full moon's light. He's playing with a few different techniques and grumbling about the "invisible" fret markers. The little dots, marking the neck of the guitar, were painted nearly black on a black guitar... he was justified in his moaning, but it still made us laugh. Brilliant music, when he could find the right notes.

     I had my little acoustic guitar. I was working in an alternate tuning (double drop D) and finger picking some classic rock favorites of mine. Sometimes my fingers would stumble or get themselves tangled up -- much to my audio dismay. Dad would pause each time and allow my to regain my dexterity before resuming our music.

     Mom would sing when she knew the words or snap her fingers when she didn't.

     And all of us were happy.

     There are those few moments when we get to spend time in a moment and really live in that moment. These are the times when our soul soaks-in everything about that moment: smells, sounds, feelings, colors... Those points freeze into our minds and stay with us. These beautiful times are gifts from God -- gifts to be remembered during the hard times.

     My friend gave me wonderful advise to remember during those moments of pain and hurt. "Think of one thing that brought you happiness. It doesn't have to be big -- it can be small. Like the color of a flower or the smell of your favorite food."

     I'm a person that notices details -- at least I try to. Simple things like the type of font in a particular book, the number of points on a leaf, bubbles in boiling water, drawing faces in a foggy mirror after a shower, mugs of tea... each of these are precious gifts from God. These bring us little glimmers of hope when the world seems to be nothing but darkness.

     But God brings us hope through our memories.

Fireflies

My English Professor asked me to write a story embodying something I learned over the past year. This story represents the lesson I learned -- much to my personal discomfort and frustration ;) But God has a funny way of making hard things into good things and ugly things into beautiful things. This is my story; I hope it encourages you...

  
     There was always peace in the silence. But it was a dark peace – a piece of solitude. They always told me, “It is better to be feared than loved, but if you can be loved – do.” It made sense… in my mind, but my heart was always frustrated – never satisfied. When everything came down, I did not want to be feared at the cost of being loved.
     It was actually because I loved that I wanted to be feared. It was that fierce, oceanic love that the elder have for the protection of the younger. But I am small; I am quiet, but I also am afraid. I can sense things before they happen; I can look into a person’s eyes and know if they are telling the truth… I know the consequences of their actions… and they pain me. Sometimes they pain me because I can feel their hurt – as though it were my own – but this is a small pain. The great pain comes from the horrible, irreversible, irrevocable fact: I can not force anyone to do anything.
     My ferocious love quails at this unstoppable fact. I cannot make the ones I love most DO anything. If they choose to fall, I must allow them to fall. Sometimes this is the best place for them – if an unhappy place. They are in the hands of God – who cares infinitely more and provides infinitely better than anything I could ever hope or dream...
     This is why I sought fear. Perhaps if they “fear” me, they would listen to wisdom, crying in the streets. But I could never bring myself to the hard-nosed, arrogant acts to induce fear – I saw to what this led: a refusal to listen instead of a refusal to act.
     But the pain was too great. This is why I sought solitude; if I could not be feared – if I could not be strong – at least I would never be viewed as weak.
     So into the darkness I walked. Much of the time I enjoyed it. The cool air, the peace, the quiet – no noise, no pain… no people. One can be alone in a crowd. Just never let them in – do not let that ferocious love grow, keep it hidden – protected – safe.
     One day I took a walk in the dark. It was different this time. The emptiness was not my friend. It taunted me and then I realized it was not empty at all – it was filled with every manner of evil: a hoard of snarls and claws seeking to devour my soul.
     Where could I run? The solitude had become my enemy and I had nowhere to go. Like the child I thought I had grown out of returned – I became a little girl, wandering about in the darkness – crying out for help… but no one came and no voice answered. I was rapidly sinking into the inky, stifling blanket – all manner of tortures flashing before my eyes.

Oh God, I know You’re there.

I know You see. I know You promised to never forsake Your daughter. 

But where is the light? Why can I not see? And everything around me is darkness? 

Help me now! Get me out of this wretched horrible place.

     I opened my eyes to see one firefly, blinking alone in the darkness. I swatted it away, “No! I do not want YOUR help.” Yet it returned. I rose and fled from its presence, “No! I cannot accept help – not from ANYONE.” Yet it followed me – no matter how deep into the darkness I fled.
     Soon there were more. The one brought a swarm until there was not more room for darkness. They kept me safe. They made me protected, and they whispered, “All light is God’s light.” No matter how often I tried, they wouldn’t leave me. No matter how weak or strong I was, they comforted me.

Mother told me to allow the Holy Spirit to work THROUGH the hands of men.
I guess Elijah was never alone,
For we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.
I guess I didn’t need to be strong… or afraid,
Since God's strength is in me, and His protection surrounds me.

Replace LIES with TRUTH

     My mother once told me stories of a spiritual battle she waged over twenty years ago. This battle paralyzed her with fear, dread and hopelessness. This was a battle of the mind -- a battle of the soul. This battle could not be won by natural means: medication, counseling, or personal willpower. When in the midst of a personal struggle, how do we fight? What can we do to drag ourselves out of the "Slough of Despond" or the "Depths of Despair"?

      In a word NOTHING.

     There is nothing that we a humans can do to pull ourselves out of the spiritual quagmire. When fear and lies are flying around our hearts and minds, there is nothing that we can do of our own volition to return to "happy times and joyful thoughts." BUT we are not without hope. The only way to win this battle is to replace lies with truth. Fill your mind so full of the wonderful promises of God that there is no room for sadness and doubt.

     The way my mother fought was to wright a scripture verse on a piece of paper or a notecard. Whenever she felt the surge of defeat and gloom, she would pull out the card and read it over and over -- filling her mind with the promises of God. She would do this constantly, changing out the verses as necessary, until her spirit grew strong. Eventually, her mind was so full of the wondrousness of God that she no longer needed the notecards -- her mind was one giant notecard, filled with the character of God!

     I have been waging an internal battle of my own. Having learned from my mother's experience, I have taken to carrying a little pocket-sized notebook. During my devotions, I will write down the Bible verses that I find particularly helpful -- or hopeful. When the fear and depression begins to weigh on me, I read what I wrote -- I fill my mind with the Truth of God.

     This is the way battles are fought; this is the way they are won! Is it easy? No. Is it fast? Sometimes not. But, these are the tools that Christians have. We have the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside our hearts -- this is a hope no unsaved person can experience. Jesus Christ has already won the war; our job is to pursue God in our battles, day by day. Christ is faithful, and He will never abandon us to despair.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. --Philippians 4:8 (ESV)

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

     "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit."

     These are some of the most famous words in literature geek-dom. The opening lines to The Hobbit are well-loved and well-remembered. However, does anyone know how this phrase came into existence? I was talking with my English Professor and he gave me the story:

     Tolkien was a professor at Pembroke College. One afternoon, while he was grading papers, a random line popped into his head, and he scribbled it at the top of one of the papers he was grading: "In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit." Tolkien did not know what a hobbit was. He did not know why the hobbit was living in the ground. He simply thought the line sounded interesting and wrote it down. It was sometime later that Tolkien sat down to create a story around this mysterious creature living in the ground.

     What does this mean? I remember my professor telling me this story, and, as he spoke, I began wondering if I could apply this to my life. Sometimes random stuff floats around and somehow bumps into us. Other times, we find ourselves doing things, and we don't quite know why. Some people have a particular inclination or desire that has been verily born into them, but they don't know for what reason or for what purpose. Once in a while a sudden urge or idea will come upon us, and we will have no idea from whence it came or how we're supposed to react. It can often feel as though life is just a bunch of strange incidents, feelings and oddities -- none of which make sense. Sometimes we feel lost in a great big world of storms and raging winds; not knowing if we are to remain grounded during the storm or if we are to allow ourselves to be taken by the currents. Sometimes we feel like failures doing nothing original, having no ideas of our own, seeming to have no talents or skills to offer the world.

    BUT... the world is much bigger than it at first may seem. This is not something that should strike fear into the heart of any Christian, for, if the world is so large is not our GOD larger still? God is the one who created us. He is the one who knew before the foundations of the earth were laid what your name was going to be. What your favorite color was going to be. What you'd enjoy, hate, love, loathe. He designed you with an intricate purpose. AND since He knew everything you would think and do before you were born, He has decided to use everything you have gone through and everything you think you're unworthy of accomplishing to enhance His glory and His kingdom AND to draw you into a closer relationship with Him.

    That's a pretty big God.

     What makes life difficult is understanding conceptually how big and powerful God is but not TRULY living this belief through every fiber of our being. This was a huge struggle that I had battled for years. What made it impossible for me to truly understand was my belief that I had gone through so much and done so many things that if I couldn't conceive of an alternative, an alternative couldn't exist. This is a plague for many who are intellectually or experiencially gifted. I can look back now and see how silly this belief was: me, a tiny human being, who though that I could understand the depths of God and complain that His actions were either unfair or unreasonable. I fell for the deception: "it cannot get any better than this" -- especially concerning my relationships. Since I could not conceive of any man being as good or better than the guy I was looking at, a better guy could not exist. I had been so many places and seen so many people, I thought I knew best.

     I was wrong.

     But God in His mercy uses everything for His glory if we are willing to obey Him. Some things don't make any sense. Sometimes we feel like shaking our fists at God, wondering why He has decided to put us in these circumstances. BUT God is so much bigger than anything we can imagine! And just because we may not receive full understanding in this life does not mean we will not receive full understanding in the presence of God in heaven.

     I am aware that this doesn't always make us "feel" better in the midst of our hardships and shortcomings. But day by day, minute by minute, moment by moment, this is something we can take comfort in: God is bigger and smarter than us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -- Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

     If this is a struggle for you, the best advice I can give is that this is a moment by moment battle. Any time you feel the weight of hopelessness or uselessness crushing upon you, pray. Carry a pocket Bible with you and read it whenever the wave hits you. Again, this is a moment by moment struggle. At 7:39AM you can be sitting on top of the world, but at 7:41AM you can be so deep in the depths of despair there seems to be no light at all. TAKE COURAGE! No matter what your feelings are, God remains true. Prayers and Scripture readings will help you align yourself with Him, and in the end, isn't that the whole goal?

The Victory of Defeat

     Sounds like a contradiction in terms, yes? No. Let me explain...

     I've bee taking chess lessons from some of my schoolmates. For some inexplicable reason, I've felt the push to learn some new things, and strategy has been at the top of my list for quite some time. One of my friends gave me a bit of advice to help take the sting out of (what felt like) and endless cycle of agonizing losses. He said, "Just accept the fact that you are going to lose for a while. The goal right now is to learn, not to win -- that will come later. Just focus on lasting for as long as you can."

     That may sound fine and dandy, but when you're in the thralls of a game -- bear in mind that I'm extremely high strung during games. I stutter and sweat; my heart races, and my hands shake even long after the game is over -- it is hard to remember that the goal is NOT to win. I can't win a game of chess -- not against the people who are teaching me. Yet, even with that advice it can be very demoralizing to suffer loss after loss with little to no improvement.

     The question that follows would be, "Why continue playing? If it gives you that much stress, why continue putting yourself in that position?" The answer is that if I don't, I KNOW I will never improve -- emotionally or

tactically. By exercising my mind and emotions, I have the hope of growth.

     Don't think that I'm looking at the situation with rose-colored glasses. It sucks -- royally sucks -- to have your tail repeatedly handed to you after a six minute round of chess. But through the effort I put forth and with much help from my patient teachers I will get better. I have yet to win a chess mach, but my first game lasted 6 minutes and 14 seconds; my latest game lasted 15 minutes 57 seconds.

     Our walk in Christianity is just like this. We humans are battling our sin nature with the assistance of the Holy Spirit, but sometimes it feels as though no matter how many times we fight, sin right-hooks us in the jaw. There are times we want to scream, "I give up!" and cave into temptation. But, God is faithful to His children. He provides teachers to help us grow stronger, friends to help us carry the burdens that are too big to be handled alone, and the Holy Spirit to supernaturally help us when there seems to hope at all.

     If ever you're feeling like a spiritual failure, it may be helpful to have a friend point out the ways you have grown over the years. Have you become more patient? More caring of others? Have you learned to lie less -- or better yet, to not lie at all? Have you grown wiser in how you spend your time or money? Each improvement is a victory! The point is not to be perfect, but to always be better. We are no longer doomed to be defeated by sin, but with Jesus Christ we are promised victory!

Trial By Fire

     Unfortunately there are times when our circumstances feel completely out of control. No matter which way we turn, there is another obstacle -- another hardship. To make everything worse, one feels as though there will never be a moment of rest. The small gaps in between difficulties feel more like tense waiting, rather than a respite. It's almost like a "bad news/worse news" scenario. I'm the type of person that wants to "hurry-up and get it over with"; so, these periods of waiting are particularly difficult for me.

     Yet, God is with us. Much to our dismay, He may even be the one who put us in the trial (though more often, it is we who put ourselves there.) The thing to keep in mind is the purpose of existence: to bring glory to God. No matter what our circumstances are, we're to bring glory to God. There are other benefits as well: a stronger character, the ability to help others, a better relationship with God...

     For each person the test will be different. Different people will have different areas with which they struggle; therefore, what might be a trial for one may only be an inconvenience for another. An area with which I have trouble is maintaining my relationship with God. I struggle with being consistent in my prayer and devotions -- I'll do it every day for 2 months then not at all for the following month. The way God keeps me on track is to place me in situations that I cannot cope with on my own. Unpleasant for me, but the reward of growing closer to God is unfathomable.

    One of the most difficult parts of trials is this: if you don't learn what God wanted you to learn the first go around, God will send you through a second time. And a third time -- until you become what He wants you to be. I and so many know this from experience. Some of the "valley of the shadow of death" 's that I had to go through were because I didn't listen to God the first time.

     BUT be encouraged. No matter how difficult your life is, and no matter how little rest you receive in this life there is a reward awaiting us in Heaven. Each time
we as Christians go through something difficult -- and bring glory to God through it -- we are granted eternal rewards that will NEVER fade. This life is only temporary -- fleeting -- but God is FOREVER.